Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)

Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”

Me: “Yup.”

Student: “What does the green stand for?”

Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”

Student: “Oh.”

And Only Because My Moat Isn’t Ready For My Narwhal.

Me: “Hey, when we win the Powerball tonight, whoever is the nicest gets the first pony.”

Caolinn: *eye roll*

Me: “I saw that.”

Xavier: “Guess who’s getting a three-legged pony with mange?”

Liam: “That’s gonna be one messssssed up pony.”

Anyone Surprised I Wound Up With A Pox? No? Didn’t Think So.

Universe: “Oh…you start high school today. I think two fresh pimples should do the trick.”

Me: “Noooo! I start TEACHING high school today.”

Universe: “Ohhhh, sorry…teaching high school…then let’s make it three.”

Me: “Fuck.”

Every Time Mommy Yells At Somebody, A Demon Gets Its Wings

(My mother, telling me about her friend’s daughter graduating from Coast Guard flight school…)

My mother: “Mary just sent me a picture of Jennifer getting her wings.”

Me: “Awww, that’s awesome.”

Liam: “Her wings!?  How is she getting wings!?”

Me: “She graduated from flight school.  Why…did you think she was a unicorn?”

Liam: (pause) “No…because unicorns have horns…a Pegasus has wings.”

Me: “Way to focus on the issue, Chief.”

If You’re Waking Me Up Before 9am On a Holiday…There Better Be Inappropriate Nudity Involved.

How I was woken up on the Fourth of July, this year…

Unknown Number:

 

Me: Who is this!?  I don’t have this number saved, but I totally want to make out with you for this gif.

 

Unknown Number:

 

 

And yes, the above picture really IS my friend Daniel, who wasn’t in my phone, and who, apparently, can rock the fuck out of a bikini.

Men…This Is Why You Think Twice Before Texting Strangers Your Penis.

Me: “You remember that engineer I went out with last week…the one who got ridiculously drunk?”

Maya: “The one you never called back?”

Me: “Yeah, so, a week of not responding to his texts and calls…I think he’s finally gotten the hint, and then last night, at 10pm, out of NOWHERE…he sends me a picture of his dick.”

Maya: “WHAT!?”

Me: “Seriously.”

Maya: “Just out of nowhere?  What would make him think that was okay?”

Me: “A bucketful of gin, if our first date is any indication.”

Maya: “Do you still have it?”

Me: “Yup.”

Maya: “You gonna forward it?”

Me: “Duh…that’s why I’m calling…to warn you, before I send you a picture of some rando’s dick.”

Maya: “Is it impressive.”

Me: “Not in the least…he should be ashamed.”

Maya: “Even better.”

Sibling Rivalry Reverts To Chemical Warfare

Liam: “Can I get a cat when I grow up?”

Me: “Sure, but then I’m never visiting you, because I’m allergic.”

Liam: “Is Xavier allergic to anything?”

Me: “Why?”

Liam: “So I can fill my house with it.”

The Saga of the Craig’s List Hooker…Part 2

For those of you following Malka’s battle with online prostitution…my darling girl has taken a new tack. (background here)  Her new battle strategy involves a two-step approach…

Step One…scare the living crap out of them.

 

Worse than being threatened with a lifetime on the registered sex-offender’s list…that hair.  Sir, I’m pretty sure a haircut would solve your “gettin’-some” issues.

 

Step Two…and this is where it gets truly brilliant…

 

Yes…she is now using client #1’s picture…to seduce client #2…  and this is why I love her forever.

Sugar….The New White Lightning.

Me: “If you don’t stop bothering him, I’m not ordering your dessert.”

Caolinn: (eye roll) “You expect me to move out and live on my own in four years, and you’re disciplining me with a cookie?”

Me: “Are you still bothering him?”

Caolinn: (pause) “No.”

Me: (smiles)

Caolinn: “Shut up.”

Maybe Don’t Piss Off A Hormonal Woman Carrying A Scalpel.

Despite generally hating most of his interns and residents, Drew is exceedingly fond of one of his fellows, because she kicks ass and takes absolutely none of his shit.  She and her husband have been having trouble getting pregnant, so Drew was giving her, her prescribed hormone injections at work, so she didn’t have to stab herself.

Me: “Hey, how’s your fellow?”

Drew: “Finally pregnant, actually.”

Me: “Ahhh, that’s awesome!”

Drew: “Since I got her pregnant, I told her I should have naming rights.”

Me: “I think it’s best that you refrain from saying ‘I got her pregnant’, and you’d probably just name that poor baby after yourself.”

Drew: “I would not.  I told her she should name it something culturally appropriate.”

Me: “What do you name a baby that’s half Chinese and half Indian?”

Drew: “Nepal.”

Me: “Well…enjoy sensitivity training.”