Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”
Me: “Yup.”
Student: “What does the green stand for?”
Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”
Student: “Huh?”
Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”
Student: “Oh.”
teaching
Kids…Can’t Kill ‘Em…Unless…
StandardToday, I had to take D’Avonte downtown to get a copy of his birth certificate, so he could apply for a post-graduation training program. We were climbing in the school van, and my purse fell over.
Me: “Oh, great, now I have tampons everywhere.”
D’Avonte: “Miss M…you’re still young enough to have babies?”
Me: “Get out of this Goddamn van, right now.”
Everything Hurts, And I’m Dying.
Standard
Ryan: How was your day, today?
Me: Well…I got to ride in the back of a police car, which is about as disgusting as you would think it is.
Ryan: Your life of crime finally caught up with you?
Me: Me, the campus cop, and the Dean of Discipline were chasing a kid who ran away from campus.
Ryan: Did you catch him?
Me: Ten staff members, five private vehicles, three police cars, four miles, and 90 minutes later…yes.
Ryan: Are you ever tempted to just let them run?
Me: After today, if I had it my way, we would stand on the curb, waving, as he takes off.
Ryan: Let him run! BE FREE!
Me: “Find your bliss, Motherfucker!”
You Get An ‘A’ For Accuracy.
Standard
Me: “Hey, I need your three sentence summary of the student news.”
D’Avonte: “Ms. M, you KNOW I hate the damn news.”
Me: (teacher face)
D’Avonte: “Fiiiiiiiine.”
Turns in summary…
“They’re talking about Trump and all his bullshit. It’s the same stuff with his bitchass every day. Why do you make me do this?”
As I Wear Flippity Flops…
StandardFor the record, the child is walking the campus in 6″ heels all day…and if you’re not familiar with my blog, the child is a 6’3″, self-identified, drag queen, who comes to high school, dressed for the Milan runway.
D’Avonte: “My feet are killing me.”
Me: (Looking at her feet) “No shit.”
D’Avonte: “Jealous?”
Me: “Every single day of my life, my love, every single day of my life.”
The Future Is Bleak.
Standard
Student: “Paying bills is a giant waste of money.”
Me: …
Squirrel!!!
StandardA few weeks ago, I broke my toe at work, so I’ve been forced to wear one of those ridiculous boots to protect it while it’s healing.
Student: “How’s your toe?”
Me: “Better, but today, I have this weird burning pain.”
Student: “You should take Adderol.”
Me: “So I can really buckle down and focus on how much it hurts?”
Student: “Oh, sorry, I meant Demerol.”
Me: “We’re going to need to have a conversation about your knowledge of prescription medications, one of these days.”
Let That Stew, Kid
StandardMe: “I really need some Christmas pencils.”
Student: “You should just ask Santa.”
Me: “That probably wouldn’t work because I’m permanently on the naughty list for an incident in ought-eight.”
Student: …..
So Much For Telling My Kids the Truth
StandardMe: “How many teachers are pregnant at your school?”
Xavier: “Four.”
Me: “Geez…sounds like there’s something in the water.”
Xavier: “Sounds like a lot of teachers are having unprotected sex.”
Me: …..
They Don’t Make Enough Soap To Deal With This.
Standard
Bobby: “Miss M, Miss M, I got a tattoo!”
Me: “Seriously?” (sigh) “Let me see it.”
Bobby: (lifts pant leg, where he has “MOB” on his thigh)
Me: “MOB? Like the Mob? Like you’re a mobster?”
Bobby: “No, it’s ‘M. O. B.’ It stands for ‘Money Over Bitches’.”
Me: (pause) “Bobby…you don’t have any money…or bitches.”
Bobby: “Yeah, but I’m going to get things.”
Me: “If by ‘things’, you mean hepatitis, then, yes, you are going to get things.”
***Let’s not even get started on the fact that Bobby is a 14-year-old freshman, or that he got this tattoo from some dude he met at the park. And, yes, I called his mother, and no, she didn’t care. Sigh…
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 