How I Ruin Erections


(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)

Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”

Xavier: “Let’s please not.”

Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”

Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.

Me: “Boner.”

Xavier: “You’re the worst.”

Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo


Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”

Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”

Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay.  It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”

Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”

Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”

Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”

Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)


Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”

Me: “Yup.”

Student: “What does the green stand for?”

Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”

Student: “Oh.”

Apparently Haberdashery Class Was All Full

Xavier: “Does the high school we’re going to next year have a metal working class for farriers?”
Me: (under my breath) “What the actual fuck?”
Caolinn: (whispering) “I heard that.  And, seriously, yeah…what the fuck?”

This Is Why I Haven’t Given Him His Own Phone


This is what happens when you let your 13-year-old text his sister from your phone.  Annnnnnd I know this comes as a total shock, but I don’t use my kids’ real names on here, so I’ve edited the screen shot to protect the TOTALLY not innocent.


I Live In A Frat House


Dinner at my parent’s isn’t a formal affair, even when they’re lucky enough to have my fake brother (my best friend, Matthew) over for pasta.  So there we all were…sitting around the table, while my mother assembled marinara with Italian sausage in the kitchen.

Mom: “Megan, you want extra sauce, right?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Mom: “No sausage, right?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Mom: “Matthew, sausage?”

Caolinn: “Oh, Uncle Matthew wants hot Italian sausage alright.”


Caolinn and Matthew: (high-fiving)


This All Started Over A Fight Over Who Got To Sit Shotgun…


Liam: “That’s NOT fair!  I’ve only JUST gotten big enough to sit up front, and you can’t take it every time!  We should take turns!”

Caolinn: “I’m leaving home in two years, and then you can sit up here whenever you want!”

Liam: “I’m not waiting TWO YEARS!  It’s not fair!”

Caolinn: “You know what isn’t fair?  That I have to have a period every month, and someday, I’m going to have to push a baby out of my vagina…that’s what’s NOT fair!”

Liam: “Mom, she’s pulling the uterus card again!”

If You’ll Forgive Me For This Moment…


Last night, something unexpected happened.

On my way to bed, I went to check on the twins, as I always do, and as I brushed the hair away from Xavier’s face, in the dim light, there was a glimpse of his father in his profile.  It certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve noticed the similarity in the jawline, but for some reason, for the first time, it gave me pause and made me unspeakably sad.

I thought…Do you see this perfect boy?  He is kind and affectionate and honest and generous and loving and horribly sweet.  He gives his allowance to homeless people and sneaks cat food out of the house to feed the strays behind the baseball field. He speaks up for social justice and civil rights, and has gone toe-to-toe with bullies to protect others.  His heart bleeds so much that I am both unspeakably proud of him, and I worry about the effect it will have on him that he cares so deeply. He is so damn smart and funny, and he works so hard. He’s respectful to both authority and peers.  He loves his family with a crazy fervor, and he has no shame in showing it. He is a million wonderful things.

And he’s nothing like you.  He might look a little like you, but he’s nothing like you.

And for the first time, I was struck that instead of being grateful that my son was nothing like his father, I was struck with sadness, because his father could have been all those things…but he wasn’t.

In that moment, I realized that my ex-husband was once a little boy, just like my little boy.  He was healthy and handsome, and probably looked just like this when he slept, with his face still and his hair mussed.  He had things my son will never have; he had a reserve of family money and societal advantages.  He was never told they couldn’t afford something.  He had educational opportunities, vacations, and social connections that boggle the mind.

But, what he didn’t have, was a sober parent.  He didn’t get hugged or kissed or cuddled.  He never had to struggle to earn something, or work very hard.  He was never appropriately disciplined or told “no”.  He was never bathed, fed, or tucked in by someone who wasn’t paid to put up with him.  He never spent a night, on the couch with his mother and siblings, all under one blanket, watching movies, penniless but feeling like the luckiest, richest people alive, because they were together and warm.

Yes, this man has done terrible, terrible things to me and my children, but in that one quiet moment in the dark, my heart broke for him, because he could have been so much more than he became.  He could have been like his son.

Just Be Happy I Don’t Use Mine To Make Bombs, Kids.


Me: (singsonging in the kitchen) “It’s the weeeeeekend!  You know what that means!”

(Boys whispering in their room.)

Liam: “Shit, that means the crockpot is coming out.”

Xavier: “And that she’s not wearing pants.”


Liam: (whispering) “Dog ears.”