So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat. This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.
Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?
Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.
Me: No, thank God. This…
Me: I found McGonagall cuddling with the dog!
Ryan: Picture?
Me: She took off before I could get it.
Ryan: Of course she did. If those got out her rep would be ruined.
Me: I’m going to get one eventually. I’m going to be more relentless than that paparazzi who got the pic of Bieber’s wiener.
Ryan: I just read that and accidentally said ‘Bieber’s wiener’ out loud.
Me: Uh-oh.
Ryan: I’m just going to go ahead and quit my job, now.
And then, today, I got the picture… 🙂
“This isn’t what it looks like.”
Me: I FOUND THEM IN BED TOGETHER!!!
Tracy: Again, I find myself asking you…are you talking about your animals, or are you talking about Ryan?
Me: My animals.
Tracy: Again, this just got way less interesting.
Me: Would you prefer I caught Ryan in bed with someone?
Tracy. No. But then, at least I’d have someone to stab.
Me: I’m calling your mom.
Tracy: Now I’m going to stab you.
Casual acquaintance: “Oh, we just got a new cat, too!”
Me: “What did you name it?”
Casual acquaintance: “Banana, because she’s kind of yellow.”
Me: “Oh, you let your kids name it. You’re so much nicer than I am. I want to let them name our pets, but kids always come up with such ridiculous names.”
(pause)
Casual acquaintance: “I named the cat.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh…..I’m…..yeah….”
As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.
(Texting)
Me: Best day ever!
Tracy: Why?
Me: He licked the kitty!!! HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!
Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?
Me: The animals.
Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.
Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”
Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”
Xavier: “Dream killer.”
Guys…last night we found a young cat who appears stray, just as a dust storm was coming…soooo, now, I seem to own a cat. While I’ve certainly been around cats, I’ve never even considered owning one, so this creature in my house, is no less baffling and exotic to me, as if I had taken in a fully grown Rhino.
I apologize for what will surely be WEEKS of cat posts.
Me: Guess who didn’t sleep a wink last night! (Note: there may be more than one correct answer.)
Ryan: I’m guessing the cat, your daughter, and YOU!
Me: DING! DING! DING!
Ryan: Yay! I win! What’s my prize?
Me: A cat!!!
Ryan: I’d like an opportunity to change my answer.
Yes this is real, and I took it. Right before I burst into flames.
So, the only thing worse than surviving a week-long, record breaking heatwave in Phoenix…is having your air conditioning die right in the middle of it. Four days and three repairmen later…we’re finally back in our house.
Me: I’m no longer a vagrant!
Ryan: Yea! Did you lower the thermostat to 72, just because you can?
Me: The house is finally down to 84, I’m trying not to push it too fast.
Ryan: I had a brand new unit go out once, and the house got up to 95. The cats weren’t happy.
Me: I’m guessing because the fur?
Ryan: I tried to get them wet, but they didn’t like it.
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and let you reread that last sentence to yourself.
Me: What about Stephen King?
Ryan: I haven’t read much from him since It. I was like, that’s it. That’s as good as it’s ever going to get.
Me: I didn’t read that one.
Ryan: A clown. That’s all I’m saying. Makes Poltergeist look like a kid’s movie.
Me: No…no…definitely not. I was scared of them before, so that would NOT help.
Ryan: No. Definitely not. Clown-centered. Evil clown. Very bad clown.
Me: I’m pretty sure that ^^^ was the movie’s tagline.
Ryan: And the movie…imagine Tim Curry in clown makeup, chasing kids.
Me: I’m not going to sleep tonight, and I blame you.
Ryan: You? I’m already double-checking my closets. At least you have Sully who will bark at the clown. What do I have? Cats. Cats are useless. The only thing they’re good for is eating my corpse after the clown gets me.
Me: Great. Now, I’m scared of cats.
D’Avonte brought her new crop top to show me, which she couldn’t even wear to school, and I sent a picture of it to Ryan, next to a dollar bill for size reference.
Me: This is D’s new shirt. I’m pretty sure it’s a size 2T. (Toddler size 2, for you non-parents).
Ryan: That wouldn’t fit my 7yo daughter.
Me: I know; I have bigger bras than this.
Ryan: I think Shadow has bigger shirts than that. Not that I dress my cat, mind you. She likes to set her own fashion.
Me: Well, now I know what you do when you’re alone.
Ryan: Yes, it’s all Sports Center and picking out sassy outfits for my cats. Turned on?
Me: Yes, my loins are all aflame.
Ryan: Then let me tell you about their shoe collection…
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 