Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)

Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”

Me: “Yup.”

Student: “What does the green stand for?”

Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”

Student: “Oh.”

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Xavier: “Why did God invent whiskey?”

Me: “To keep the Irish from ruling the world.”

Xavier: “How did you know that?”

Me: “Because it’s an old joke.”

Xavier: “You’re an old joke.”

Me: (death stare)

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Liam: “How does the Irish Santa look different from ours?”

Me: (mumbling) “He’s carrying a beer, and he’s drunk.”

Liam: “What?”

Me: “He’s wearing green instead of red.”

You Don’t Even Want To Know How The Parrot’s Involved.

Me: My mother is watching some BBC period drama on Netflix. The giggling and whining about dowries is killllling me.

Ryan: Have you even seen The Quiet Man?  That’s my kind of take on dowries. Beer and fighting, just like God and the Irish intended.

Me: Well, I come with my own Waterford and a paid-off college education, if that does it for you.

Ryan: I have a box of my grandmother’s china and a baseball signed by the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates.

Me: I can’t resist a good baseball, especially when it’s been handled by pirates.

Ryan: Generally, I’m against letting pirates touch my balls.

Me: It’s the hook-hand, isn’t it?

Ryan: It is now.

Fiat…I Want A Check…And Condoms In The Glovebox.

Ryan: The kids with their dad?

Me: Yup.  I might pull a Risky Business in a minute and do some air guitar in my underpants.

Ryan: Just don’t start a brothel in your house, or you’ll spend the entire weekend terribly concerned about an overpriced crystal egg.

Me: You just know his parents were at some high-end swinger’s weekend…some Eyes Wide Shut number.

Ryan: You mean where they wear masks, and could just as easily be attending a human sacrifice?

Me: WASP boners as far as the eye can see…

Ryan: WASPS don’t have “boners”, and they can only get them if they throw back a Cyalis with their single-malt.

Me: Thank God we’re just poor Irish-Italian immigrant trash.  Our people only needed a couch and healthy dose of shame, and it was on.

Ryan: Shame is Irish lubricant.  Also liquor, let us not forget the liquor.

Me: And the Italian side?

Ryan: Italians are passionate.  Any high surface will do.  Countertop…Tables…Hood of a Fiat…

Me: Back of a Vespa?

Ryan: I’ve heard you can’t get pregnant on the back of a Vespa.

Me: I think we just explained why you have so many cousins, Casanova.