Maybe Don’t Piss Off A Hormonal Woman Carrying A Scalpel.



Despite generally hating most of his interns and residents, Drew is exceedingly fond of one of his fellows, because she kicks ass and takes absolutely none of his shit.  She and her husband have been having trouble getting pregnant, so Drew was giving her, her prescribed hormone injections at work, so she didn’t have to stab herself.

Me: “Hey, how’s your fellow?”

Drew: “Finally pregnant, actually.”

Me: “Ahhh, that’s awesome!”

Drew: “Since I got her pregnant, I told her I should have naming rights.”

Me: “I think it’s best that you refrain from saying ‘I got her pregnant’, and you’d probably just name that poor baby after yourself.”

Drew: “I would not.  I told her she should name it something culturally appropriate.”

Me: “What do you name a baby that’s half Chinese and half Indian?”

Drew: “Nepal.”

Me: “Well…enjoy sensitivity training.”

Texting Malpractice



Drew: How are you, Sugs?

Me: Good.  Just grateful that I’m not working to 7pm tonight.

Drew: Why?

Me: Um…because I want to go home and be with my kids?

Drew: Huh?

Me: Dude…what is wrong with you?  I get to work at 6:30am, why would I want to stay until 7pm EVER?

Drew: I’m confused.

Me: So am I…are you stoned?  How do you not kill all your patients?

Yeah…So That Happened.



Soooo, in a stunning display of the grace and dignity that can only be mustered when you are a McMcerson, my darling mother, an absolute gazelle of a woman, tripped over her own feet and went down hard, taking out her own arm and shoulder, which, in her own words, “Went in a direction that I never want to see an arm ever go again”.

Believe me, if there is ever a time that you don’t want to be surrounded by cute firemen being exceedingly nice to you, it’s when you or someone you love is hurt.  I could have had January through December on the P.F.D. calendar, and the whole experience still would have been a complete boner-killer.

Following her ambulance to the nearest hospital, I had just enough time to call one of my best friends (an ICU physician on the east coast), who advised me that, “They start all the new residents in July!  Most of them kill more effectively than ebola.  Do NOT let any of those Doogie Howser fuckwads lay a hand on her!”

Many hours in the ER later…physicians consulted (and checked for actual gray hairs and crow’s feet, prior to treatment), meds given, x-rays taken (by a lovely man sporting a Juggalo tattoo, who was shockingly gentle and kind-hearted given his musical taste), and one attempt at putting her shoulder right…the decision was made that the damage was significant enough to warrant admission for surgery, in the morning.

I am thankful she has had excellent care.  I am thankful all of her doctors have grown their own pubes.  I am thankful for her morphine, although, I could certainly use a Xanax, if anyone’s asking.  I am thankful for free wifi, which is just distracting enough to keep me from thinking too much.  I am thankful that she’s pretty badass, because she needs to be, and because I need her to be.

And now…we wait…


I knew it…my mother is a friggin’ Gremlin.