Me: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.
Ryan: Yes?
Me: (Sending picture.)
Ryan: What…the…fuck…
Me: Right!? This is a thing now?
Ryan: What aisle are you in, and why? Do you have something to tell me?
Me: I’m buying tampons, and these were right there. You know…for people who are blaming faulty sperm for why they still have to buy tampons. Can we discuss the name “Pre-Seed”!?
Ryan: Can we discuss that for just $44.99 and a handjob I can get 2,000 CVS points!?
Me: Halvsies?
Ryan: Done!
Me: Is it just me, or is this the dirtiest bread name ever?
Ryan: Hello, Marketing Department? I don’t think your product name means what you think it means.
Me: Spoiler: Someone in your department likes bread a little TOO much.
Ryan: The secret ingredient? It ain’t love. Have you checked the label?
Me: Uh oh…it says it “contains nuts”.
Ryan: That bakery doubles as a fertility clinic.
Me: Well, now we know what happens to the slow swimmers.
Ryan: Remember when carbs were the scariest thing?
Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.
Ryan: How do I not know about this show? Ohhhh right, I have kids.
Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.
Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR. The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.
Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.
Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.
Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.
Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.
Me: Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?
Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,
Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus. If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?
Ryan: I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.
(3 minutes later…)
Ryan: Megan? MEGAN!? Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!? Or is it smote?
Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.
Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.
Despite generally hating most of his interns and residents, Drew is exceedingly fond of one of his fellows, because she kicks ass and takes absolutely none of his shit. She and her husband have been having trouble getting pregnant, so Drew was giving her, her prescribed hormone injections at work, so she didn’t have to stab herself.
Me: “Hey, how’s your fellow?”
Drew: “Finally pregnant, actually.”
Me: “Ahhh, that’s awesome!”
Drew: “Since I got her pregnant, I told her I should have naming rights.”
Me: “I think it’s best that you refrain from saying ‘I got her pregnant’, and you’d probably just name that poor baby after yourself.”
Drew: “I would not. I told her she should name it something culturally appropriate.”
Me: “What do you name a baby that’s half Chinese and half Indian?”
Drew: “Nepal.”
Me: “Well…enjoy sensitivity training.”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 