Clearly, I’m The Inmate Running The Asylum


60ZuaWx - Imgur

The day before Halloween, I came to work wearing a long black skirt with a black top, but wasn’t really wearing anything ‘costumey’.

Me: (Walking into another teacher’s packed classroom to get something off the printer.)

Student: “What are YOU supposed to be?”

Me: “Your mom.”

Entire Class: “Oooooooooo….”

Proof That Freshmen Have No Woo



Caolinn: “Ugh, there’s this boy that sits next to me in both Programming and German, and at first I thought he was kind of funny, but now I’m just realizing that he’s insanely stupid.  Today, he couldn’t remember any of the intro German verbs, and in programming, he couldn’t even figure out how to open a new file.  Seriously…total idiot.”

Me: “So, who helps him when he can’t do these things?”

Caolinn: “I do.  It’s annoying as hell.”

Me: “Um…have you considered the possibility that he likes you, and is acting stupid to get your attention?”

Caolinn: (pause) “Ohhhhhh…..that would explain a few things.”

Me: “Like?”

Caolinn: “Like how he’s in the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math), but can’t perform a basic computer function.”

Me: “Who feels like the idiot now?”

Caolinn: “Shut up.”

Little Brothers…Pissing Big Sisters Off Since 4,000,000 B.C.



(My 11-year-old twins and I are sitting in the parking lot, waiting to pick their sister up from the Freshman football game. A teenage boy walks her out to the gate, hugs her, and then she gets in the car.)

*deafening silence*

Xavier: “So…..tell me about your young man.”

Dear FBI, Dump The Handwriting Research…You Need To Look Into Panties


To be clear…if you’ve been reading this blog AT ALL, you’ll be just as shocked as I am, that I’ve managed to raise a child with common sense bordering on prudishness, but somehow, THAT happened.

Caolinn: “The only good thing about the locker room in gym, is that now I know who I will and will not be hanging out with.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Caolinn: “Oh, you can totally tell who’s going nowhere in life, just by seeing their panties.  You’re wearing a hot pink thong with a hashtag on the crotch?  Pretty sure you’re not making good decisions.  Same for the girls with ‘sexy’ written on the ass.  You’re fourteen…who is that for?  And those stupid Marvel panties that you and I saw in Target and made fun of?  Yeah…I’ve seen them on two different people.  Be your own hero, damn it.”


For the record, this is what she’s talking about, where feminism and common sense took a dump in Target’s Junior’s department.


Anyone Surprised I Wound Up With A Pox? No? Didn’t Think So.



Universe: “Oh…you start high school today. I think two fresh pimples should do the trick.”

Me: “Noooo! I start TEACHING high school today.”

Universe: “Ohhhh, sorry…teaching high school…then let’s make it three.”

Me: “Fuck.”