That Gentleman Has Seen His Last Trailer Park


The following was texted to me by a friend who was driving through one of the most gang-infested areas of the city…you know…where I used to work. ¬†ūüôā

Leslie: Oh, my, God! ¬†I was just driving through Maryvale, and I saw a white guy on¬†a bicycle, waving a¬†Confederate¬†flag, screaming about ‘Mexicans and n——s’.

Me: It’s the new alternative to pulling a gun on a cop. ¬†I call that move, “Suicide by Redneck.”

Leslie: Gotta work better than all the meth he was smoking.

Me: Trust me, that hillbilly has drunk his last Big Gulp.  Right now, his carcass is already being eaten by a pack of stray pit bulls and one really badass chihuahua.

Leslie: I hope they don’t choke on all the bullets.

If You’re Waking Me Up Before 9am On a Holiday…There Better Be Inappropriate Nudity Involved.


How I was woken up on the Fourth of July, this year…

Unknown Number:



Me: Who is this!? ¬†I don’t have this number saved, but I totally want to make out with you for this gif.


Unknown Number:




And yes, the above picture really IS my friend Daniel, who wasn’t¬†in my phone, and who, apparently,¬†can rock the fuck out of a bikini.