Today, my darling 15-year-old daughter, has her first ACTUAL date with an ACTUAL boy. (She’s been dating robots for years…don’t judge.) And, I know…it’s on Valentine’s Day…cue the Seraphim.
This is just the beginning…the beginning of a long line of lessons that she, and her friends will have to learn. While I’m not ready to impart ALL of these things to her now, I promise that, at some point, when they’re appropriate, I will. Even though she won’t listen to me AT ALL…just ask my mother.
Still…at some point…
1a. If someone tells you they are “too special” for most people, then the special person they need is a psychiatrist. Instead of giving them YOUR number, give them their number.
1b. If anyone tells you “You’re the only one who understands me,” it might be because they’re insane, and you’re the only one who hasn’t caught on, yet. Do you really want to date the emotional equivalent of Nell?
2. If he takes longer to get ready than you do, run. First, NO ONE takes longer to get ready than you do (seriously, Caolinn…what the fuck is taking you so long), but while a certain amount of vanity in women is understandable, vain men aren’t to be trusted. Yes, I said something sexist…it won’t be the last time.
3. You do not have to “earn” someone’s love. Girl…he isn’t a slot machine, and you ain’t getting your quarters back. The only prize you get at the end is an asshole who knows you’ll take abuse in exchange for minimal reinforcement. Anyone you have to chase…you will never truly catch.
4. Don’t be someone’s transitional relationship. When you’re with someone who still has someone else in their heart, you are in the world’s LEAST sexy threesome, where the lubricant is tears. If he talks about another woman so much that you know her middle name, but he doesn’t know yours, then you’re just the therapist who he gets to put his penis on, and when he’s finally over her, and he’s done with therapy…well, you get the picture.
5. If your friends hate your boyfriend, either they have personal issues, or they have a point. Don’t ditch one for the other, and don’t take out the trash until you know who stinks.
6. Look at THEIR friends. If the guy you’re thinking about dedicating your time to hangs out with druggies, cheaters, douchebags, idiots, criminals, or losers…then chances are he’s one of them…or a United States Senator. Same difference. If you lay down with dogs, you get fleas…or in this case, chlamydia.
7. Sex isn’t everything…unless you’re not getting any, then it becomes everything. It’s only a matter of time before you start buying batteries in bulk and trying to figure out how big your co-workers’ dicks are through their slacks. Say “hi” to Human Resources, for me, will you? And, no, you can’t move home when you get fired, so get it together.
8. Beware the social chameleon. If a person flips a switch and changes completely when he’s in public vs. when he’s alone with you…RUN. A stable person doesn’t need more than one personality, and hopefully that one personality doesn’t fall under the heading of “dick”.
9a. There is a fine line between being realistic and settling. Yes, no person is perfect, but do NOT settle. Don’t date down…EVER. You will regret it. Every time.
9b. Be totally okay with being “alone” (Which you never truly will be, because you should surround yourself with people who love and support you.) Being with someone, for the sake of being with someone, will make you more alone than you can ever possibly imagine. Picture what you realistically want in a relationship, and wait for it. It’s better to be single, with even the faintest hope of something great, than chained to a lifetime of mediocrity because you feared loneliness.
10. Be your own best friend. If, standing outside your situation, you can see that if your BEST FRIEND was in that same situation (relationship, etc.), that you would slap the living shit outta her…then slap away, bitch…save yourself.
11. Lastly, and this is so goddamn important… You will change and grow and evolve…but let that be on YOUR terms, and be with people who love you for who you are TODAY. If you want to change him, or he wants to change you, then you don’t love each other…you love an idea. Ideas aren’t always good, and ideas don’t always work. Just ask DeLorean, Hitler, and Trump’s hair stylist. People aren’t projects, and your relationship shouldn’t need a Pinterest board and a hot glue gun.
And there I leave you…for now. As I’m writing, I’m thinking of so many MORE things, but they will have to wait for another day and another post. In the meantime…have fun tonight, my sweet, sweet girl. Have fun…let him hold your hand, but tell him to keep his tongue in his mouth. It’s a first date…not a frat party.
Well said, Mom.
Hugs, Anners. Happy VD. 🙂
Thanks, same to you!!
Soooooo great! I am going to print this out and laminate it on a card for my daughter to reference in a few years…
You can always Sharpie out the curse words and reveal them one by one. 🙂 Happy VD, friend.
Ooooh! Even better! 🙂
Holy shit. That was amazing. Perceptive, wise, and funny. How the fuck is it that you aren’t the President?
Hilary first…then me. Presidentially, I’m what they call “barely legal”.
I want to be in charge of slogans please.
DONE! New cabinet position created!
Best Valentines Ever. 🎁
VD…the gift that keeps on giving.
AMEN!
And thank you. 🙂
No, thank you.
Please write a version for boys too! I love this…and my boys need your wisdom
God, my boy list is going to read, “Keep your dick in your pants…the end.” 🙂
Yes. GREAT list.
Now, the other one, too, please: I want the explict list which will apply down the road. The one that addresses “No, you DON’T have to deep throat. No, the ‘money shot’ is NOT the norm. No, everyone does NOT say ‘Yes’ to anal–it’s your choice.” And, of course: “Make sure he’s doing until others as he d#mn well expects is done unto him.”
Oh trust me….that list is sooooo brewing. Sadly, I need to write it more for friends in their early 20s than anyone else. Also, no…you don’t have to send someone a picture of your tits before they buy you coffee.
Especially at my age. I’m down to Denny’s free decafs, no creams. : (
I just laughed embarrassingly loud at that.
Actually, they’re not that bad. And neither are the Denny’s coffees. 😉
*snort*
Looks like the place to start with your list is number 12 (that’s the one at the end without the number).
That was purposeful. 🙂
To your boy list you might want to add: Get to know your prospective girlfriend’s mother. You can really learn a lot that way, and possibly add another stabilizing influence to the equation. It worked that way for me, anyway.
And US Senators? There’s Sherrod Brown and Al Franken, but your point is well taken.
She could marry a young Al Franken or a Bernie Sanders any day! 🙂 Excellent point!
My little girl is not even one years old yet, so I have to figure out how I bank this list for a discussion in 15 years time. Funnily enough I don’t think that I will be scared enough to hand over the mic to her Mum. The second “explicit” list – my wife can
And I know too many guys who have political aspirations…
Ammmmmmen. lol
Just be a constant presence…that will be all the insurance you need for a great girl. 🙂
What a great post – funny, but also no bullshit and right on the mark. I hope she appreciates your words… if not today, then at some point in the very near future, because she’d be wise to listen to them.
Here, can you call her and tell HER that!? 🙂
No, honestly, I’m kinda scared of her. 😉
🙂
12. real relationships are nothing like what songs or movies tell us they are.
Truth! And romance novels…don’t read those for advice.
amazing list (i would expect nothing less from you). printing this now and saving for That Day In The Future Of My Three Daughters – somewhere (please God) after they are 18 and before they are 36.
I think twenty…after a few years of self-defense training, and watching a planet of their friends mistakes…that would be a nice, sweet spot. 🙂
Reblogged this on 3kids2cats1divorce and commented:
An incredibly well-written distillation of great (and funny!) relationship advice for a teenaged daughter…that applies to middle-aged divorcees, too.
This is fantastic!!! I’m going to follow the advice!! 🙂
keep this around and show it to her in a few decades… Then cackle like a mad-woman when she realizes just how right you were with this all.
I think I’ll make it a slide presentation with corresponding photographic evidence and charts. 🙂
I want a copy!!! Something I can share with the adopted gaybies that constantly ask me for advice.
I’m thinking multi-media presentation…maybe with a videoed forward from Oprah. Thoughts?
Wow! Looooooove this! I am so glad 3Kids2Cats1Divorce Re-blogged this. 🙂
Like another commenter said, I am going to print/laminate this, only not for my daughter (because I do not have kids) but for myself!
As a divorced 47 year old woman, who was divorced for OW, my *Chump Meter* (as per ChumpLady.com) isn’t fully up-to-speed yet.
LOL…I think at least five of these I learned from being married to my ex-husband. Sometimes, the lessons learned come at the cost of ENORMOUS legal fees. 🙂
Boy, you can say that again.
Would you believe, when my Ex and I met, he told me he was “special”. Man, I sure could have used this list back then. You could have saved me money and heartache. Oh well… the best we can do is learn and spread our, well (ahem) your wisdom.
🙂
LOL…hard won, but worth it. 🙂
This is brilliant, on point and hysterical! Well done. I particularly like #4. It’s positively inpsired, even to a 50something like me. 🙂
Yeah, number 4…that one wouldn’t fill a book, but could at least be expanded to fill a decent leaflet. 🙂
Sometimes less is more. That’s very true of number 4. Short, sweet and to the point. 🙂
So true. 🙂
Actually, I was thrown off by the 1a, 1b thing. It’s #3 that is my fav!!! But they’re all great.
Damn me, and my stupid method of numbering.
Don’t be silly! It’s great. You nailed it!
Wow I am so keeping this for when my daughter is old enough to start dating. I will be getting her a t-shirt to wear that says “My Daddy is big, bald and has a shotgun!”
Please don’t wish happy VD on me or VD in any other emotional state as my wife would most definitely kill me! 🙂
p.s Thanks for the follow
Nairn
I wish you NO VD, for that would end in homicide, evidently. 🙂 Thank you!
I am used to a fun insanity here… 🙂 And this is all good, well-thought out advice. If I had a teenage daughter, or son, I’d be passing it on. Great job. Well, there was that bit about buying batteries in bulk or staring overly long at slacks. –Curt
Hey, you THINK I’m kidding, but, no…no, I’m not. 🙂
Suspect not. 🙂
🙂
So. How did the date turn out? Any dramatics?
Hilariously, she canceled that day, because she didn’t feel “ready” and didn’t want to hurt him by leading him on. 🙂
I am not worried about my son – we’ve talked to him about this stuff since he was little and he’s got a great head on his shoulders. My granddaughter is a totally different story. That little girl is looking for love constantly and I’m worried that will lead her to a future teen-mom episode. She is only 14 and needs this list badly. She is way too willing to let someone walk all over her for a little affection.
😦 All the hugs in the world won’t give the hugs we need to give ourselves. Girls are terrifying in how we fail to take care of ourselves. ❤
“People aren’t projects, and your relationship shouldn’t need a Pinterest board and a hot glue gun”…..Best Line EVER!!!!!
Thank you, Stormers! 🙂
In reply to your advice….my 20 year old stepson said “Glue guns optional if you would like to fuse yourselves together”…..step-mom’s advice to that one “Being glued at the hip is a sure way to relationship failure”. 🙂
Smartest stepmom ever. 🙂
Wow. Where were you when I was 14? This is brilliant. “When you’re with someone who still has someone else in their heart, you are in the world’s LEAST sexy threesome, where the lubricant is tears. ” That’s poetry. I think #3 is my favorite point. Thank you for following my blog, especially because that led me here to yours!
When you were 14…I was probably making ALL OF THESE MISTAKES. lol 🙂
I hope your daughter does listen, and sometimes they do. This is great advice. And thank you for following my blog.
I just hope she listens more than I did. 🙂 Thanks, Michael!