Someone Please Bring Me A Pizza Covered In Xanax



Today, my darling 15-year-old daughter, has her first ACTUAL date with an ACTUAL boy.  (She’s been dating robots for years…don’t judge.)  And, I know…it’s on Valentine’s Day…cue the Seraphim.

This is just the beginning…the beginning of a long line of lessons that she, and her friends will have to learn.  While I’m not ready to impart ALL of these things to her now, I promise that, at some point, when they’re appropriate, I will. Even though she won’t listen to me AT ALL…just ask my mother.

Still…at some point…

1a. If someone tells you they are “too special” for most people, then the special person they need is a psychiatrist. Instead of giving them YOUR number, give them their number.

1b. If anyone tells you “You’re the only one who understands me,” it might be because they’re insane, and you’re the only one who hasn’t caught on, yet.  Do you really want to date the emotional equivalent of Nell?

2. If he takes longer to get ready than you do, run.  First, NO ONE takes longer to get ready than you do (seriously, Caolinn…what the fuck is taking you so long), but while a certain amount of vanity in women is understandable, vain men aren’t to be trusted.  Yes, I said something sexist…it won’t be the last time.

3. You do not have to “earn” someone’s love.  Girl…he isn’t a slot machine, and you ain’t getting your quarters back.  The only prize you get at the end is an asshole who knows you’ll take abuse in exchange for minimal reinforcement.  Anyone you have to chase…you will never truly catch.

4. Don’t be someone’s transitional relationship.  When you’re with someone who still has someone else in their heart, you are in the world’s LEAST sexy threesome, where the lubricant is tears. If he talks about another woman so much that you know her middle name, but he doesn’t know yours, then you’re just the therapist who he gets to put his penis on, and when he’s finally over her, and he’s done with therapy…well, you get the picture.

5. If your friends hate your boyfriend, either they have personal issues, or they have a point.  Don’t ditch one for the other, and don’t take out the trash until you know who stinks.

6. Look at THEIR friends.  If the guy you’re thinking about dedicating your time to hangs out with druggies, cheaters, douchebags, idiots, criminals, or losers…then chances are he’s one of them…or a United States Senator.  Same difference.  If you lay down with dogs, you get fleas…or in this case, chlamydia.

7. Sex isn’t everything…unless you’re not getting any, then it becomes everything.  It’s only a matter of time before you start buying batteries in bulk and trying to figure out how big your co-workers’ dicks are through their slacks.  Say “hi” to Human Resources, for me, will you?  And, no, you can’t move home when you get fired, so get it together.

8. Beware the social chameleon.  If a person flips a switch and changes completely when he’s in public vs. when he’s alone with you…RUN.  A stable person doesn’t need more than one personality, and hopefully that one personality doesn’t fall under the heading of “dick”.

9a. There is a fine line between being realistic and settling.  Yes, no person is perfect, but do NOT settle.  Don’t date down…EVER.  You will regret it.  Every time.

9b. Be totally okay with being “alone” (Which you never truly will be, because you should surround yourself with people who love and support you.)  Being with someone, for the sake of being with someone, will make you more alone than you can ever possibly imagine.  Picture what you realistically want in a relationship, and wait for it. It’s better to be single, with even the faintest hope of something great, than chained to a lifetime of mediocrity because you feared loneliness.

10. Be your own best friend.  If, standing outside your situation, you can see that if your BEST FRIEND was in that same situation (relationship, etc.), that you would slap the living shit outta her…then slap away, bitch…save yourself.

11. Lastly, and this is so goddamn important… You will change and grow and evolve…but let that be on YOUR terms, and be with people who love you for who you are TODAY.  If you want to change him, or he wants to change you, then you don’t love each other…you love an idea.  Ideas aren’t always good, and ideas don’t always work.  Just ask DeLorean, Hitler, and Trump’s hair stylist.  People aren’t projects, and your relationship shouldn’t need a Pinterest board and a hot glue gun.

And there I leave you…for now.  As I’m writing, I’m thinking of so many MORE things, but they will have to wait for another day and another post.  In the meantime…have fun tonight, my sweet, sweet girl.  Have fun…let him hold your hand, but tell him to keep his tongue in his mouth.  It’s a first date…not a frat party.

74 thoughts on “Someone Please Bring Me A Pizza Covered In Xanax

  1. Yes. GREAT list.

    Now, the other one, too, please: I want the explict list which will apply down the road. The one that addresses “No, you DON’T have to deep throat. No, the ‘money shot’ is NOT the norm. No, everyone does NOT say ‘Yes’ to anal–it’s your choice.” And, of course: “Make sure he’s doing until others as he d#mn well expects is done unto him.”

  2. Doug in Oakland

    To your boy list you might want to add: Get to know your prospective girlfriend’s mother. You can really learn a lot that way, and possibly add another stabilizing influence to the equation. It worked that way for me, anyway.
    And US Senators? There’s Sherrod Brown and Al Franken, but your point is well taken.

  3. My little girl is not even one years old yet, so I have to figure out how I bank this list for a discussion in 15 years time. Funnily enough I don’t think that I will be scared enough to hand over the mic to her Mum. The second “explicit” list – my wife can

  4. What a great post – funny, but also no bullshit and right on the mark. I hope she appreciates your words… if not today, then at some point in the very near future, because she’d be wise to listen to them.

  5. amazing list (i would expect nothing less from you). printing this now and saving for That Day In The Future Of My Three Daughters – somewhere (please God) after they are 18 and before they are 36.

  6. Wow! Looooooove this! I am so glad 3Kids2Cats1Divorce Re-blogged this. 🙂

    Like another commenter said, I am going to print/laminate this, only not for my daughter (because I do not have kids) but for myself!

    As a divorced 47 year old woman, who was divorced for OW, my *Chump Meter* (as per isn’t fully up-to-speed yet.

  7. Wow I am so keeping this for when my daughter is old enough to start dating. I will be getting her a t-shirt to wear that says “My Daddy is big, bald and has a shotgun!”
    Please don’t wish happy VD on me or VD in any other emotional state as my wife would most definitely kill me! 🙂
    p.s Thanks for the follow

  8. I am used to a fun insanity here… 🙂 And this is all good, well-thought out advice. If I had a teenage daughter, or son, I’d be passing it on. Great job. Well, there was that bit about buying batteries in bulk or staring overly long at slacks. –Curt

  9. I am not worried about my son – we’ve talked to him about this stuff since he was little and he’s got a great head on his shoulders. My granddaughter is a totally different story. That little girl is looking for love constantly and I’m worried that will lead her to a future teen-mom episode. She is only 14 and needs this list badly. She is way too willing to let someone walk all over her for a little affection.

  10. Storm Chaser

    “People aren’t projects, and your relationship shouldn’t need a Pinterest board and a hot glue gun”…..Best Line EVER!!!!!

  11. Wow. Where were you when I was 14? This is brilliant. “When you’re with someone who still has someone else in their heart, you are in the world’s LEAST sexy threesome, where the lubricant is tears. ” That’s poetry. I think #3 is my favorite point. Thank you for following my blog, especially because that led me here to yours!

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