It Always Starts at My Mother’s House

Grandma: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered where this had been all my life.”

Xavier: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered what had died and crawled into my mouth.”

So, yeah…sorry, I’ve been so quiet…I was in Federal Prison. (No, but I’m willing to bet at least half the people who know me wouldn’t be surprised.)

And so we resume…

Me: “I still think you should consider taking up meditation. It might help you focus.”

Xavier: “I’ve tried that already, but when I tried doing it in class, it just pissed my teachers off.”

Me: *sigh*

Stockholm Syndrome…Now in Technicolor!

Xavier: “I don’t remember this movie being so rapey.”

Liam: “Um, yeah…there are consent issues all over this thing.”

Xavier: “It’s like they think setting sexual assault to song makes it allowable.”

Liam: “Seriously, this is just a bunch of hillbillies kidnapping women they can’t have, only instead of a cargo van, they have a horses and a wagon.”

Me: “Well…so much for family movie night.”

***Seriously though…glad the consent conversations seem to be paying off.***

I Wish Falcon Crest Was Still A Thing

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My sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.

Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”

Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”

Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”

How I Ruin Erections

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(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)

Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”

Xavier: “Let’s please not.”

Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”

Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.

Me: “Boner.”

Xavier: “You’re the worst.”

Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo

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Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”

Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”

Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay.  It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”

Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”

Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”

Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”

The Man Does Know His Fusion

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!

Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”

Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”

Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”

So, Maybe Showing Them Jaws, Two Days After Announcing The Family Cruise, Was A Bad Idea

For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago…  Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.

At my parent’s house for family dinner…

 

Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”

Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”

Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939.  What do you have to say about that?”

Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”

Excuse Me, While I Just Wrap Myself In The Floury Goodness

Ryan: Where are you?

Me: I’m sitting, alone, in the kids’ therapist’s waiting room, with my feet on the coffee table, eating warm tortillas out of a bag. Let’s hope no one walks in.

Ryan: Why, because they’ll want some?  Tell them to get their own damn tortillas.

Me: I’ll even share, motherfuckers!

Ryan: No, no, sharing…just stare them down.

Me: I think I figured something out.

Ryan: What?

Me: Why I have a kid in therapy.

Fa-La-La-La-La…La-La-La-La

(Note: the kids just got home from their dad’s, so we did Christmas Eve last night.)

Liam: “So, what time is metaphorical Santa coming, tonight?”

Xavier: “And why did we decide he’s coming back 5 days late?”

Liam: “Rehab.”