Grandma: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered where this had been all my life.”
Xavier: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered what had died and crawled into my mouth.”
kids
So, yeah…sorry, I’ve been so quiet…I was in Federal Prison. (No, but I’m willing to bet at least half the people who know me wouldn’t be surprised.)
StandardAnd so we resume…
Me: “I still think you should consider taking up meditation. It might help you focus.”
Xavier: “I’ve tried that already, but when I tried doing it in class, it just pissed my teachers off.”
Me: *sigh*
Stockholm Syndrome…Now in Technicolor!
Standard
Xavier: “I don’t remember this movie being so rapey.”
Liam: “Um, yeah…there are consent issues all over this thing.”
Xavier: “It’s like they think setting sexual assault to song makes it allowable.”
Liam: “Seriously, this is just a bunch of hillbillies kidnapping women they can’t have, only instead of a cargo van, they have a horses and a wagon.”
Me: “Well…so much for family movie night.”
***Seriously though…glad the consent conversations seem to be paying off.***
If You Thought Goodnight Moon Was Twisted…
StandardUnfortunately, there are very few readily available books on Erwin Rommel, my son’s assigned topic for 8th grade History. The “book” I ordered on Amazon came today, and it was a whopping 30 pages in large font, claiming to give his full history from birth to death. Bullshit. It’s being returned.
Me: “Will you look at this!? How are they selling this as a ‘book’!?”
Xavier: “What is it?”
Me: “It’s what I bought for Liam to do his report!”
Xavier: “That’s way too small to be a book.”
Me: “It’s a pamphlet!”
Xavier: “It’s like a children’s book…but with Nazis.”
I Wish Falcon Crest Was Still A Thing
StandardMy sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.
Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”
Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”
Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”
How I Ruin Erections
Standard(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)
Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”
Xavier: “Let’s please not.”
Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”
Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.
Me: “Boner.”
Xavier: “You’re the worst.”
Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo
StandardMe: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”
Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”
Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay. It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”
Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”
Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”
Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”
Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)
Standard
Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”
Me: “Yup.”
Student: “What does the green stand for?”
Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”
Student: “Huh?”
Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”
Student: “Oh.”
The Man Does Know His Fusion
Standard
YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!
Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”
Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”
Kids…Can’t Kill ‘Em…Unless…
StandardToday, I had to take D’Avonte downtown to get a copy of his birth certificate, so he could apply for a post-graduation training program. We were climbing in the school van, and my purse fell over.
Me: “Oh, great, now I have tampons everywhere.”
D’Avonte: “Miss M…you’re still young enough to have babies?”
Me: “Get out of this Goddamn van, right now.”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 