Grandma: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered where this had been all my life.”
Xavier: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered what had died and crawled into my mouth.”
Note: I’m Her Favorite Nothing
StandardA conversation at my mother’s dinner table with my daughter (Caolinn) and the twins (Xavier and Liam). My mother, for the record, said NONE of this.
Liam: “Grandma said that I’m her favorite twin.”
Caolinn: “Yeah, but I’m her favorite overall grandchild.”
Liam: “We all know that, Caolinn, but I’m the favorite of the twins.”
Xavier: “What the HELL, Grandma!?”
So, yeah…sorry, I’ve been so quiet…I was in Federal Prison. (No, but I’m willing to bet at least half the people who know me wouldn’t be surprised.)
StandardAnd so we resume…
Me: “I still think you should consider taking up meditation. It might help you focus.”
Xavier: “I’ve tried that already, but when I tried doing it in class, it just pissed my teachers off.”
Me: *sigh*
Stockholm Syndrome…Now in Technicolor!
Standard
Xavier: “I don’t remember this movie being so rapey.”
Liam: “Um, yeah…there are consent issues all over this thing.”
Xavier: “It’s like they think setting sexual assault to song makes it allowable.”
Liam: “Seriously, this is just a bunch of hillbillies kidnapping women they can’t have, only instead of a cargo van, they have a horses and a wagon.”
Me: “Well…so much for family movie night.”
***Seriously though…glad the consent conversations seem to be paying off.***
And Seriously, Who Asks This?
Standard
Friend: “How come you never like anything I put on Facebook.”
Me: “Do you ever post stuff about dogs?”
Friend: “….no.”
Me: “Well, then, you’ve just answered your own question, haven’t you?”
Amazon…An Evil Corporation Bent On Ending The Human Race Through Sexual Indifference
StandardIf You Thought Goodnight Moon Was Twisted…
StandardUnfortunately, there are very few readily available books on Erwin Rommel, my son’s assigned topic for 8th grade History. The “book” I ordered on Amazon came today, and it was a whopping 30 pages in large font, claiming to give his full history from birth to death. Bullshit. It’s being returned.
Me: “Will you look at this!? How are they selling this as a ‘book’!?”
Xavier: “What is it?”
Me: “It’s what I bought for Liam to do his report!”
Xavier: “That’s way too small to be a book.”
Me: “It’s a pamphlet!”
Xavier: “It’s like a children’s book…but with Nazis.”
And Now THAT Song Is In My Head. Great.
StandardLess than 24 hours after returning from a quick romantic weekend, my dearest darling, Ryan, was felled by an intestinal flu, so he’s been concerned that he might have given it to me.
Ryan: How are you feeling? Still okay?
Me: Are you texting to check on the state of my bowels?
Ryan: Yeah, I guess I am.
Me: In the immortal words of Ashford and Simpson…still Solid As a Rock.
Ryan: I’m thinking more fiber for you.
I Wish Falcon Crest Was Still A Thing
StandardMy sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.
Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”
Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”
Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”
Colonoscopies: 100% Less Awful Than Baby Showers
StandardTracy: “Are you going to Kim’s baby shower tomorrow?”
Me: “Ugh…you know how much I hate those things. I’ll just send her a gift.”
Tracy: “What possible excuse are you going to have to skip this?”
Me: “I just had a colonoscopy. I’m pulling the colonoscopy card.”
Tracy: “I don’t think that’s a card.”
Me: “I had a camera shoved up my ass…how does that NOT earn me a card?”
Tracy: “Fine, but you have to tell her, because I’m not walking into a baby shower with tales about your asshole.”
Me: “A real friend would.”
Tracy: “A real friend doesn’t text pictures of their large intestine to a group chat.”
Me: “Touche.”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 