My sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.
Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”
Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”
Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”
Things my mother REALLY doesn’t like…violence, guns, tattoos, motorcycles, and men with long hair, so NOTHING about this conversation makes sense.
Mom: You watch Sons of Anarchy, right?
Me: Yeah. Why?
Mom: There’s a quiz online for you to find out which character would be your husband. (Sends link)
Me: Lol…okay. Mom where did you find this, you’ve never even seen an episode of that show.
Mom: I got Jax and from description he looked pretty good. Heh heh heh.
Me: Jesus, Mother.
And, mom…because I know you’re going to read this…a gift from me to you.
Please excuse the fact that he looks like sexy Jesus, here.
“I wanted you to feel like a wizard every time you watched TV.” Seriously, the best birthday present ever.
(A Text conversation from last night.)
Ryan: Have you gotten your wand to work, yet?
Me: Not as well as I worked your wand last night.
Ryan: Hey-oh! No, seriously, have you gotten it to work, yet?
Me: I’m trying to program it, now.
(5 minutes later)
Me: Sweetie, I might need you to do it for me, I can’t get it to work.
Ryan: Is it broken?
Me: No, I’m just not as tech savvy as you are. I’m reading the directions, and it’s just not working for me. Still trying…
(3 minutes later)
Me: 😦
Ryan: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m such a fucking Hufflepuff.
Ryan: There, there…at least you’re not a Nerf Herder.
Me: I don’t even know what that means.
Ryan: No one does, darling…no one does.
(Yet another text conversation gone wrong.)
Ryan: There’s nothing like the smell of spring practice. The dead grass…the ridiculous parental expectations.
Me: Has any one talked, yet, about the time they “went to state”?
Ryan: Fortunately, those parents are all at Pop Warner. There actually aren’t that many parents here. It’s quiet. Too quiet…
Me: Ruh Roh. That’s how it always is right before someone trips over what they think is a helmet, and it turns out to be a severed human head.
Ryan: Megan…
Me: Yes…
Ryan: Stop binge watching Bones. Immediately.
Me: “Why isn’t this remote working?” (shakes it)
Caolinn: “It’s because it’s old…like you.”
Me: (glare) “Watch it.”
Caolinn: “Watch what? Your hair turn gray?”
Me: “I’m going to shave you when you sleep.”
Caolinn: “You can’t…you’re like 280 in dog years, so you need your rest.”
Me: “Keep digging that grave.”
Caolinn: “Which one?” (smirks)
Liam: “Why are the Kardashians famous anyway?”
Me: (panicking) “Ummm…”
Xavier: “They’re famous for being stupid on camera…like the Honey-Boo-Boo family. They just wear fancy clothes and too much makeup, and people pay attention to them.”
Liam: “What…so they’re just like Barbies?”
Xavier: “No, Barbie always has a job.”
Me: “HA!”
*high five*
Question: How old do you have to be before you find out the truth…that all of Kim K’s fame is because she filmed herself fucking the younger brother of a D-List celebrity? And that the rest of them are famous for being the sister of of a girl who fucked the younger brother of a D-List celebrity?
Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.
Ryan: How do I not know about this show? Ohhhh right, I have kids.
Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.
Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR. The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.
Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.
Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.
Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.
Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.
Me: Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?
Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,
Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus. If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?
Ryan: I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.
(3 minutes later…)
Ryan: Megan? MEGAN!? Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!? Or is it smote?
Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.
Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.
Caolinn: “The new season of Teen Wolf premieres in half an hour!”
Me: “Seriously…who are you?”
Caolinn: “Don’t make fun of Teen Wolf…I bet when you were my age, you were obsessed with Bay Watch.”
Me: (miming picking up the phone) “Hi…Mom…can you please come pick up your granddaughter? Why? So I don’t go to jail.”
Caolinn: “What’s your pony name?”
Me: “My what?”
Caolinn: “Your My Little Pony name. It’s supposed to reflect who you are.”
Me: “Well, then I have one seriously twisted pony.”
Caolinn: “I bet it has a REALLY long, complicated name.”
Me: “I bet you can’t say it in mixed company.”
Caolinn: “I bet its cutie mark is a skull and crossbones.”
Me: “I bet it’s a pony that would stick you.”
Caolinn: “I don’t think you understand My Little Pony.”
(After four consecutive episodes of Sons Of Anarchy)
Me: “Huh.”
R: “What?”
Me: “You know this is really just a soap opera set in a biker gang.”
R: *horrified look* “A soap opera!? What do you base that on?”
Me: “All the slapping. Seriously. They’re just some shoulder pads and a push into a pool away from being Dynasty.”
R: “I’ve never watched Dynasty, but I’m guessing that it didn’t have a fat hairy guy going down on two strippers on a biker bar pool table, white supremacists blinding a guy with a pool cue, or a guy named ‘Half-Sack’ constantly showing off his partially empty scrotum.”
Me: “Yeah…Dynasty could have been WAY better.”
(Six episodes later…)
Me: “Okay, I think we’ve officially watched too many episodes, in a row.”
R: “How can you POSSIBLY say that?”
Me: “Because I’m starting to appreciate the way Jax walks, and you know how much it used to annoy me. Seriously, I’m terrified I’m now going to be attracted to swaggering men in dirty leather.”
R: *switching channels* “Annnnnnd, Big Bang Theory it is…”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 