Yes, yes, I know…two posts in a row about fucking novelty bedding. It also should be noted that my sweet, brilliant, rational boyfriend goes completely ape-shit nerd when discussing some sort of controversy regarding whether Han Solo or Greedo shot first in the original movies. It has come up roughly three million times.
Me: Liam is spending his first night in his new Star Wars sheets.
Ryan: Do they make those for a queen-sized bed? I’m asking for a friend.
Me: Yes, but would you really be comfortable getting off in front of Han?
Ryan: It’ll be the first time he didn’t shoot first.
Me: Fine, but if you start making ‘pew pew’ noises during climax, I’m going to be super put off.
So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat. This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.
Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?
Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.
As some of you know, in all my infinite spare time, I do some volunteer work for LGBT youth. I hadn’t been able to see this one kid in awhile, who was really struggling, because his parents are traditional, old-school Mormons, and he was deeply closeted, and he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t hurt him or throw him out.
Me: “Heyyyyy!!! I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you!?”
Brayden: (cringing) “Good and bad…I came out to my mom.”
Me: “WHAT!? Oh, wow, are you okay?”
Brayden: “Well, I’m apparently a ‘disappointment’ and a ‘failure’.”
Me: “Arrrrrrrgh, I’m so sorry. But no violence, right? And you’re still living at home?”
Brayden: “Yeah, but I’m grounded.”
Me: “You’re grounded…for being gay.”
Brayden: “Pretty much.”
Me: “What are you grounded from?”
Brayden: “Dick? I’m pretty sure, I’m grounded from dick.”