It Always Starts at My Mother’s House

Grandma: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered where this had been all my life.”

Xavier: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered what had died and crawled into my mouth.”

Ask Your Doctor If Your Heart Is Healthy Enough For Sexual Activity

Matthew: Did I tell you that BJ had a heart attack?

Me: No!  Is he okay?

Matthew: Dude almost dies two weeks ago, and then he posts that he had THIS for lunch.

Me: Yeah, that is NOT on the heart patient menu.

Matthew: This is the equivalent of saying, “I just got rid of my syphilis, time to rawdog some hoes!”

Me: I’m pretty sure, after a heart attack, they advise against rawdogging hoes, as well.

 

Just Be Happy I Don’t Use Mine To Make Bombs, Kids.

Me: (singsonging in the kitchen) “It’s the weeeeeekend!  You know what that means!”

(Boys whispering in their room.)

Liam: “Shit, that means the crockpot is coming out.”

Xavier: “And that she’s not wearing pants.”

Me: “I HEARD THAT!”

Liam: (whispering) “Dog ears.”

Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.

Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”

Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”

Xavier: “Dream killer.”

Star Wars 7…The Search For More Money

Me: Look!  Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!

Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing?  What are they going to merchandise next?

Me: Chewbacca Condoms?  Don’t mind if I do!

Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms.  The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.

Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know.  They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.

Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.

Me: ……….

And THAT’S How You Build Trust

Freshman: “When I was little, I refused to eat Panda Express, because I thought it was made of real pandas.”

Me: “It is.”

Freshman: “WHAT!?”

Me: (giggling)

Freshman: “Shut up, Ms. M.”

My Ass Muscle Is The One That Holds My Dignity In.

Ryan: “I feel that I should introduce you to the joys of the Cream Pie Shake.”

Me: “I feel that I should introduce you to the fact that I’m lactose intolerant.”

Ryan: “You eat cheese all the time!”

Me: “Fermented dairy, for some reason, doesn’t bother me, but straight ice cream or milk, I blow up like a balloon.”

(silence)

Me: “Grossed out?”

Ryan: “Not at all…just trying to decide if I should get you to drink one anyway, so we can get your first fart out of the way.  It’s going to happen one of these days, Megan.  It might as well be a controlled scenario.”

Me: “Ryan, this isn’t just some stupid forest fire we’re discussing, this is FARTING.  This is SERIOUS.”

Ryan: “Somewhere, a family of deer disagrees with your priorities.”

Please, Whatever You Do…Don’t Ask Him How Much A Candy Bar Cost in 1952

(Ironically, my father complains when my daughter texts all the way to school…if only he knew.)

Caolinn: Grandpa’s been complaining about a 20 cent increase in the price of a McMuffin for ten minutes.  Please send a rope.

Me: Snort

Caolinn: “It’s a twenty percent increase!  That’s INSANE!”

Me:That’s fabulous.

Caolinn: Glad you think so, because guess who’s gonna be late to school because of breakfast sandwich inflation?

Me: I’ll call the attendance office.

Caolinn: God, I can’t wait to hear that one.  “Reason for tardy? Depression-era sandwich rage.”

He Clearly Doesn’t Know I’m Paid In Post-Its and Leftover Graham Crackers

Me: “Ugh. I’ve got to put money in my daughter’s account.”

Student: “Her account?”

Me: “Her lunch account.”

Student: “Ohhhhhh, I thought you meant a bank account. I was gonna say, ‘God, I wish I was white.'”

Cakes Shaped Like Genitalia Lack The Subtlety Our Family Craves

(In the midst of discovering the wonder that is a Starbucks chocolate cakepop.)

Me: “Oh, my, God, why is this so good!?”

Caolinn: (shrugs)

Me: “I’ve got it…it’s like the world’s most delicious Ding Dong in my mouth.”

Caolinn: *SNORT*

Me: “Shut up.”

 

**For my non-American friends…a “Ding Dong” is both a chocolate cupcake-like thing that will no doubt kill you slowly, and also one of the 4-million terms that America has invented for ‘penis’. Go USA!**