Xavier: “I don’t remember this movie being so rapey.”
Liam: “Um, yeah…there are consent issues all over this thing.”
Xavier: “It’s like they think setting sexual assault to song makes it allowable.”
Liam: “Seriously, this is just a bunch of hillbillies kidnapping women they can’t have, only instead of a cargo van, they have a horses and a wagon.”
Me: “Well…so much for family movie night.”
***Seriously though…glad the consent conversations seem to be paying off.***
Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”
Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”
Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay. It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”
Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”
Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”
Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”
So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat. This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.
Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?
Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.
Me: No, thank God. This…
For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago… Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.
At my parent’s house for family dinner…
Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”
Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”
Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939. What do you have to say about that?”
Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”
Me: “Hey, guys! Grandma and Grandpa booked a big trip for all of us this summer! Guess where we’re going!?
Boys: “Where!?”
Me: “BERMUDA!”
Boys: “Like the TRIANGLE!?”
Me: …
Xavier: “Is that even safe?”
Me: “Are you kidding me right now?”
Liam: “Seriously, is it safe?”
Me: “Would I ever take you someplace that wasn’t safe?”
Liam: “Did you even SEE Scooby Doo!?”
Me: (throws up hands)
Ryan: Where are you?
Me: I’m sitting, alone, in the kids’ therapist’s waiting room, with my feet on the coffee table, eating warm tortillas out of a bag. Let’s hope no one walks in.
Ryan: Why, because they’ll want some? Tell them to get their own damn tortillas.
Me: I’ll even share, motherfuckers!
Ryan: No, no, sharing…just stare them down.
Me: I think I figured something out.
Ryan: What?
Me: Why I have a kid in therapy.
(Note: the kids just got home from their dad’s, so we did Christmas Eve last night.)
Liam: “So, what time is metaphorical Santa coming, tonight?”
Xavier: “And why did we decide he’s coming back 5 days late?”
Liam: “Rehab.”
Liam: (whispering) “Hey…Xavier.”
Xavier: “What?”
Liam: “Santa isn’t the only one who knows when you are sleeping.”
Xavier: …
Me: “How many teachers are pregnant at your school?”
Xavier: “Four.”
Me: “Geez…sounds like there’s something in the water.”
Xavier: “Sounds like a lot of teachers are having unprotected sex.”
Me: …..
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 