And Seriously, Who Asks This?

Friend: “How come you never like anything I put on Facebook.”

Me: “Do you ever post stuff about dogs?”

Friend: “….no.”

Me: “Well, then, you’ve just answered your own question, haven’t you?”

Yes…I named the cat, “McGonagall”. Sue me.

Me: I found McGonagall cuddling with the dog!

Ryan: Picture?

Me: She took off before I could get it.

Ryan: Of course she did.  If those got out her rep would be ruined.

Me: I’m going to get one eventually. I’m going to be more relentless than that paparazzi who got the pic of Bieber’s wiener.

Ryan: I just read that and accidentally said ‘Bieber’s wiener’ out loud.

Me: Uh-oh.

Ryan: I’m just going to go ahead and quit my job, now.

 

And then, today, I got the picture…  🙂

“This isn’t what it looks like.”

Friends Shank Skanks

Me: I FOUND THEM IN BED TOGETHER!!!

Tracy: Again, I find myself asking you…are you talking about your animals, or are you talking about Ryan?

Me: My animals.

Tracy: Again, this just got way less interesting.

Me: Would you prefer I caught Ryan in bed with someone?

Tracy.  No.  But then, at least I’d have someone to stab.

Me: I’m calling your mom.

Tracy: Now I’m going to stab you.

Cats And Dogs…Living Together…MASS HYSTERIA!!!

As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.

(Texting)

Me: Best day ever!

Tracy: Why?

Me: He licked the kitty!!!  HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!

Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?

Me: The animals.

Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.

Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.

Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”

Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”

Xavier: “Dream killer.”

I Also Put Sequins On My Jock Strap

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m just not that girly.  I’m basically a dude with boobs.”

Ryan: “I disagree.  Yes, you can be a bit of a dude, but you can also be very girly.  Strangely, sometimes, you’re both masculine and feminine, at exactly same time.”

Me: “How is that even remotely possible?”

Ryan: “Last week, you told me to change the channel because you said you were about to cry because, ‘A dog looked sad.'”

Me: “Where’s the masculine part?”

Ryan: “You told me if I didn’t turn the channel quickly, you’d, ‘Punch me in the dick.'”

Me: “Point taken.”

 

**For the record, I would never punch him, let alone in the dick, and he knows that it’s a figure of speech.  I don’t support domestic violence in any way, especially in a manner that might impact my sex life**

For Once…It Wasn’t Me She Was Annoyed By…For Once

So, apparently, my mother was online, and was reading a fluff article where people submitted captions for a photo of the President’s dog.  She thought the captions were hilarious, but evidently, my daughter was having none of this.

Pretty Sure This Will Wind Up Being A Story Told At The Inevitable Intervention

Maya: “Did you go out with Janie last night?”

Me: “Yeah, we wound up at Joyride with some pack of bankers and attorneys.”

Maya: “Good night?”

Me: “Well, if the mark of a good night is a grown woman climbing through her doggy door to get home…then it was a fucking great night.”

Maya: “Annnnd, this is why I don’t go out with you guys.”

 

(For the record…it wasn’t me, because there’s no way I’d fit through a dog door built for a Sheltie.)

I Wonder If He Needs Three Balls?

At my desk with two students, who were coloring pictures of Fluffy, the three-headed dog, from Harry Potter.

Female Student: “I made this head a boy, and this one a girl, and this one is another boy.”

Male Student: “You can’t have one of the heads be a girl.  They’re all boys.”

Female Student: “Yes, I can!  You can’t say that they’re all boys!  They have three different brains!”

Male Student: “Hey, Fluffy might have three brains, but he only has one CROTCH, and that’s what makes him a boy.”

Me: (Falling out of my chair..)

NERD ROAR!!!

My pride at this video cannot be matched.  My dog kicks so much ass, that he may be the only person listed in my Last Will and Testament.