And Seriously, Who Asks This?

Friend: “How come you never like anything I put on Facebook.”

Me: “Do you ever post stuff about dogs?”

Friend: “….no.”

Me: “Well, then, you’ve just answered your own question, haven’t you?”

We’re Changing His Name To Asshole…Even Though We Love Him

 

So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat.  This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.

Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?

Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.

Me: No, thank God.  This…

 

Now, My Standards Might Be Ridiculous…

But…if you can’t spell “Clinic”…you don’t get to touch my dog’s balls. 

I Know, Guys…I Suck, But Tomorrow, I Might Suck AND Be Rich

Yeah, yeah, yeah…I’ve been slacking with the writing, but I’m going to defend myself and say that I’ve been tied up with Christmas, getting back to work, and my ex-husband holding my children for ransom.  True story.

Anyhoo, one of you, and you know who you are, emailed me, asking if I’d secretly won the lottery and had taken off for parts unknown.  Another of you emailed asking if I was “Seriously dead or just sitting in an asylum and haven’t earned internet privileges, yet”.  I think we can all agree that the second option is far more likely.

Regardless…if any of the following things happen, you’ll know who won the Powerball.

1. A huge animal rescue opens, called “Megan’s Big Bitches (and boy dogs, too)”.
2. Sully gets to have his balls back.  Don’t ask how…it’s just going to happen.
3. Underwires?  Now unbreakable.  You’re welcome.
4. Tina Fey is on a lifetime retainer to do this, every time one of my children fails to follow a direction already given fifteen times.
   
5. My new legal name: “Thelonious McWhiskeydick”.
6. An army of drones will follow Donald Trump to all public events, dropping piles of dildos on him.
7. Unicorns become an actual fucking thing.
8. Ryan is now at the helm of a privately owned newspaper, whose only purpose is to campaign for increased teacher salaries and talk about how sexually inadequate all my exes were.
9. This blog starts delivering chocolate bars, Willy Wonka style.
   

   Let’s be honest…this movie was an episode of Criminal Minds with chocolate.

   10. Oprah Winfrey names me one of her new favorite things.

Yes…I named the cat, “McGonagall”. Sue me.

Me: I found McGonagall cuddling with the dog!

Ryan: Picture?

Me: She took off before I could get it.

Ryan: Of course she did.  If those got out her rep would be ruined.

Me: I’m going to get one eventually. I’m going to be more relentless than that paparazzi who got the pic of Bieber’s wiener.

Ryan: I just read that and accidentally said ‘Bieber’s wiener’ out loud.

Me: Uh-oh.

Ryan: I’m just going to go ahead and quit my job, now.

 

And then, today, I got the picture…  🙂

“This isn’t what it looks like.”

Friends Shank Skanks

Me: I FOUND THEM IN BED TOGETHER!!!

Tracy: Again, I find myself asking you…are you talking about your animals, or are you talking about Ryan?

Me: My animals.

Tracy: Again, this just got way less interesting.

Me: Would you prefer I caught Ryan in bed with someone?

Tracy.  No.  But then, at least I’d have someone to stab.

Me: I’m calling your mom.

Tracy: Now I’m going to stab you.

This Is Why I Need A Full-Time Handler

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Casual acquaintance: “Oh, we just got a new cat, too!”

Me: “What did you name it?”

Casual acquaintance: “Banana, because she’s kind of yellow.”

Me: “Oh, you let your kids name it. You’re so much nicer than I am. I want to let them name our pets, but kids always come up with such ridiculous names.”

(pause)

Casual acquaintance: “I named the cat.”

Me: “Ohhhhhh…..I’m…..yeah….”

Cats And Dogs…Living Together…MASS HYSTERIA!!!

As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.

(Texting)

Me: Best day ever!

Tracy: Why?

Me: He licked the kitty!!!  HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!

Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?

Me: The animals.

Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.

Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.

Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”

Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”

Xavier: “Dream killer.”

All Pussy…All The Time

 

Guys…last night we found a young cat who appears stray, just as a dust storm was coming…soooo, now, I seem to own a cat. While I’ve certainly been around cats, I’ve never even considered owning one, so this creature in my house, is no less baffling and exotic to me, as if I had taken in a fully grown Rhino.

I apologize for what will surely be WEEKS of cat posts.

Me: Guess who didn’t sleep a wink last night!  (Note: there may be more than one correct answer.)

Ryan: I’m guessing the cat, your daughter, and YOU!

Me: DING! DING! DING!

Ryan: Yay! I win! What’s my prize?

Me: A cat!!!

Ryan: I’d like an opportunity to change my answer.