A Debt I Cannot Repay…

I’m just gonna go ahead and show you some flowers first, before I make half of you mad.

I’m going to go ahead and apologize, because while this entire post will be fraught with references to dicks…none of them will be remotely funny. Maybe if you’re new or just really into a good dick story, read about the time I broke up with someone over Jon Hamm’s penis. It doesn’t disappoint.  (Okay, huge lie, it’s an enormously disappointing story on every level, especially for Jon Hamm.)

Anyhooooo…

Today, I want to take a moment to thank Planned Parenthood.  I want to thank them for the education that I was able to pursue, my health which is relatively stellar, and mostly, for giving me control over my future.  It is because of Planned Parenthood, that I have never needed to have an abortion, and for the fact that I’ve never HAD to make a choice.

Thank you for giving nonjudgmental, factual, realistic education to anyone who wanted it, along with affordable birth control, to keep them safe and healthy. Your work has enabled so many millions of people to live full and happy lives, so that, when they are ready, they can have healthy families.

Thank you, Planned Parenthood, for getting me an immediate appointment when I was 20 and thought I was dying, only to find out that I was the victim of too-tight underwear. Thank you again for when I was 33, and convinced I definitely dying this time, because of a chronically unfaithful partner, and for literally holding my hand until the rapid test showed I was safe.

I’m hardly alone…I know my hands aren’t the only ones you held. Thank you for holding the hands of people that I love, who didn’t get good results, and for handling it with such love, compassion, and care, that they didn’t jump in front of buses or swallow every pill they owned. You steered them to medical help, counseling, and showed them that their lives, while altered, were not even close to over.

Thank you for providing prenatal care to women who have no insurance, but who wanted to do the right thing, and for giving easy affordable cancer screenings for women, who otherwise could never afford it, and maybe wouldn’t have gotten help until it was too late.

And yes, thank you for also providing safe and LEGAL abortion services for those that need it. Thank you for being a beacon of light, so my college roommate didn’t have her sexual assault compounded, by having her body taken over, again, by the son of a bitch who raped her.  Thank you for hiring AMAZING staff, who treated her with such gentleness and compassion, that the only emotion she ever had following her procedure, was a deep and profound sense of relief.  Thank you for ending the days my mother lived through, as a nurse in New York, in the 1960’s, where she saw many, many women lose their lives to blood loss and infection, because they were left to butchers when they were too poor to fly overseas, where it was safe.

Thank you for fighting for all of us, even those who fight against you, because you believe we should have options in our lives. Thank you for fighting the good fight, and getting so many millions of women through not only the best most amazing parts of their lives, but also the hardest and scariest.  Thank you for taking care of our brothers, boyfriends, husbands, sons, and friends, who also count on you for their futures.

Just thank you…

Men…Don’t Read This One. Trust Me. You’re Welcome.

 

My OB/GYN is super efficient.

Okay, so, after 18 months, I’m having my Mirena removed.  I had it put in, essentially because I was sold on the idea that there was an 80% chance that I would stop getting my period. And, yes, I did stop getting actual periods, but what I had instead were 10-14 days of light spotting every five weeks.  Not ideal.  Worse, I gained a TON of weight, which…unless you’re being rescued from a deserted island, isn’t something most women strive for.

Tracy: Where are you?

Me: I’m at the Gynecologist, getting my IUD yanked out.

Tracy: Nice image. Text me when you’re done.

(ten minutes later)

Me: Done.  Easy peasy.

Tracy: Why did you have it removed, again?

Me:

Because this tiny thing, apparently, weighs 26 pounds.  I feel lighter already.

Tracy: Ewww…you took a picture of it?

Me: That’s not the one that came out of me, weirdo, that’s the sample in the waiting room.

Tracy: How many people were in the waiting room?

Me: I don’t know, 25?

Tracy: So, 25 people just watched you take a picture of something that amounts to a Vagina Lego, and you’re calling ME a weirdo?

Me: Touché

Fa La La La La La La La Fucking A

As we stood in the middle of a huge community Christmas event, surrounded by wailing and shrieking children.

Caolinn: “I don’t like these sounds.  Mom…I’m tying my tubes.”

Me: “There are just so many of them.”

Caolinn: “Seriously, look at that woman, she has like six kids under six.”

Me: “Maybe instead of passing out candy canes, they need to be passing out condoms.”

Caolinn: “Too far, Mom.”

How Many Forms Of Birth Control Can You Use At Once Before It Becomes Obsessive Compulsive

I apologize in advance for the fact that my entire blog is about to be me bitching about house hunting…  The following took place Friday night, while I was perusing Zillow, or as I like to call it, “Real Estate Porn”.

Casey: “What about this one?”

Me: “It’s only 1200 square feet; I need something over 1600.”

Casey: “For what?”

Me: “For when the baby comes.”  *blinking innocently*

Casey: “That’s not funny.”

Me: “It sort of is.”

Casey: *pause* “Maybe it’s not such a bad idea; maybe we should have a baby.”

Me: “WHAT!?”

Casey: *giggling*

Me: “Fucker.”

Casey: “Now, that was funny.”

Dogma and Horsema

Bareback Mountain, indeed.

J: “Where are you headed?”

Me: “District office.”

J: “May the force be with you.”

Me: “And also with you.”

J: “You’re like a goddamn Episcopal Jedi.”

Me: “Episcopal?  Try Catholic.”

J: “Oh.  Extra guilt.”

Me: “Yes, but we are also required to exclusively bareback, so that’s a plus.”

J: “I’m pretty sure that’s not what they’ve been teaching you.”

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

(Note: If you type “bareback” into google images…you rarely get a picture involving horses.  Even if you type in “bareback horses”.  )