(Note: the kids just got home from their dad’s, so we did Christmas Eve last night.)
Liam: “So, what time is metaphorical Santa coming, tonight?”
Xavier: “And why did we decide he’s coming back 5 days late?”
Liam: “Rehab.”
Christmas
Let That Stew, Kid
StandardMe: “I really need some Christmas pencils.”
Student: “You should just ask Santa.”
Me: “That probably wouldn’t work because I’m permanently on the naughty list for an incident in ought-eight.”
Student: …..
Sleep Well, Leibling
StandardLiam: (whispering) “Hey…Xavier.”
Xavier: “What?”
Liam: “Santa isn’t the only one who knows when you are sleeping.”
Xavier: …
The Only Exclusive Club That McMcersons Are Recruited Into, Has 12-Steps
Standard
Liam: “How does the Irish Santa look different from ours?”
Me: (mumbling) “He’s carrying a beer, and he’s drunk.”
Liam: “What?”
Me: “He’s wearing green instead of red.”
Merry Effing Christmas
StandardCaolinn told her brother she got him an i-Pad.
Xavier, for the record, wasn’t amused.
Terrible Person: Party of One.
Standard
My former father-in-law’s wife truly means well, but recently emailed both Caolinn and I this long account of how they ran into a fawn, tried to get it help, and then it died anyway. Merry fucking Christmas. Anyway…Caolinn wasn’t impressed.
Caolinn: “Why would she email me, a vegetarian animal lover, a story about how they murdered a baby deer with a Toyota!?”
Me: “Sweetie, I don’t think she meant any harm, but I acknowledge it’s weird.”
Caolinn: “Well, guess who’s not getting a Christmas present from me this year!?”
Me: “Well, the deer, obviously.”
Caolinn: “MOTHER!!!”
So…Santa Is Really Just The World’s Most Effective Stalker.
Standard
(While on the NORAD Santa tracker)
Liam: “Why is Santa spending so much time in Canada!?”
Caolinn: “Because he has to stop at every friggin’ house…because they’re all so damn nice.”
It’s Almost 2015, Why Don’t We Have Hover-Cars, Already!?
Standard
Me: “Okay, but I want to wait until 8 to go, because right now EVERYONE will be shopping after work, and the parking will be ridiculous.”
Caolinn: “How bad can the parking be at Pier One. It’s not like THAT many people go Christmas shopping there.”
Me: “Yeah, but that plaza also has a Best Buy, a Michaels, a Target, and a Mervyns, so the parking is insane.”
Caolinn: “What’s a Mervyns?”
Xavier: “I’m pretty sure it’s shop for wizards.”
Me: (sigh)
Shhhhh, Mommy’s Other Personality Is Talking
Standard
Me: “Hey! Settle down back there and leave your brother alone! Santa is watching!”
Xavier: “Pffffft. Mom, that’s not going to work, anymore.”
Me: “Why not?”
Xavier: “You know why!”
Me: “Xav…Santa is WATCHING.”
Xavier: “But you’re Santa.”
Me: “Think about it.”
Xavier: “Ohhhhhh….”
Liam: “Therrrre we go.”
Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Folly
Standard
I went conservative. Or my version of conservative…
While shopping at Target for an ornament exchange I was attending, for an organization I’m involved with, that supports and connects LGBTQ community members with peers and some straight allies.
Caolinn: “What do you want to get?”
Me: “It has to be a un-traditional and fun, bordering on campy. Those are the ones that everyone fights over.”
Caolinn: “How about this one? It’s masculine, but also sort of sexy.” (Holds up Superman ornament complete with abs.)
Me: “Lesbians outnumber the men 10:1 at this thing, I have to find something for my ladies who like ladies. Wait…do they have Wonder Woman?”
Caolinn: “Nope, but they have this…” (smirking)
Me: “Too far.”
(Ironically, someone else brought it, and it was a huge hit. *sigh*)
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 