How Many Forms Of Birth Control Can You Use At Once Before It Becomes Obsessive Compulsive

I apologize in advance for the fact that my entire blog is about to be me bitching about house hunting…  The following took place Friday night, while I was perusing Zillow, or as I like to call it, “Real Estate Porn”.

Casey: “What about this one?”

Me: “It’s only 1200 square feet; I need something over 1600.”

Casey: “For what?”

Me: “For when the baby comes.”  *blinking innocently*

Casey: “That’s not funny.”

Me: “It sort of is.”

Casey: *pause* “Maybe it’s not such a bad idea; maybe we should have a baby.”

Me: “WHAT!?”

Casey: *giggling*

Me: “Fucker.”

Casey: “Now, that was funny.”

Dogma and Horsema

Bareback Mountain, indeed.

J: “Where are you headed?”

Me: “District office.”

J: “May the force be with you.”

Me: “And also with you.”

J: “You’re like a goddamn Episcopal Jedi.”

Me: “Episcopal?  Try Catholic.”

J: “Oh.  Extra guilt.”

Me: “Yes, but we are also required to exclusively bareback, so that’s a plus.”

J: “I’m pretty sure that’s not what they’ve been teaching you.”

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

(Note: If you type “bareback” into google images…you rarely get a picture involving horses.  Even if you type in “bareback horses”.  )

You get what you paid for…pregnant.

So there I am at the local 99-Cent Superstore, buying gift bags (because, judging from the $5 that Target sells them for, those paper fuckers are actually made of gold), when I glance up at the checkout, expecting to see some gum and mints, when I see these little gems.

Now, excusing the fact that, apparently, if you’re a cheap skate, all your impulse purchases will fall under the “gettin’ some” variety, I’d like to say that, should you purchase your condoms at the dollar store, even THEY know that you should just go ahead and spend the extra buck and grab a pregnancy test while you’re at it.

I think naming your cut-rate prophylactics “Fantasy” is probably appropriate, because you’re living in one if you think these suckers have any chance of working.  Maybe that’s why they’ve conveniently placed a box of Rinso, in case you want to make a last ditch effort to prevent the birth of a discount baby.

Now, I’ve carried and birthed three children, and I have always been HIGHLY skeptical about these shows (always on some TLC-like channel) that reportedly tell the stories of women who didn’t know they were pregnant until a fully grown human baby head emerged from their vagina, but somehow, if this ever DOES really happen, I’m guessing that those forty weeks of denial started with a failed dollar store pregnancy test.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call my local health department. The mystery of increased STD rates in Arizona?  I’ve just solved it.