Friends…We Need To Talk…About Seagulls and Fancy Pussies

And this is just from last week. If I showed you a month’s worth, you’d gouge our your own eyes.

 

Look, guys, I know that I’m not exactly running a vegan cooking blog, but can we PLEASE discuss the internet searches that are leading people here?  Seagulls, people who hate physics, basilisks, and a horrifying amount of requests for dicks?  And why do all the requests for female genitalia demand that they be “fancy”?  That hardly seems fair.  So, dicks are fine as long as they’re in HD, but the vaginas…those better be spruced up, goddamn it.  And how spruced up are we talking?  Like glitter and gems, or will a tiny chapeau do the trick?

I can only assume that the people requesting “pics of hell” were sent here to see this:

And “memes de alf”?  France, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that query came from Belgium.  De rein.

Now, if you’ll please excuse me…I have some Penis Day cards to send.  Thanks, Hallmark!

 

 

And I Shall Sing The Song of My People…My, Apparently, Thrifty, Horny People.

Friends…lovers…we need to talk.  For those of you who use WordPress, you know that, as a blogger, they have a spectacularly awesome statistics page which tells you where people are reading you, and how they got there.  Now, either WordPress has added an analytics page, or I’ve just never noticed it, but suddenly, I now get a list of search terms which led people to this blog.  Guys…terrifying…truly.

 

So…I have a few questions/concerns…

1. What IS “labia minora fun”?

2. Scarier…”Miley Cyrus cover in sperm” or “Canadian singer Corey Hart cock shot”?

3. There’s a superior strip club in Murfreesboro, Tennessee? Is it the best because your sister works there?

4. Raise your hand if you’re surprised that Jon Hamm’s dick is all over this thing.  No one?  I thought so.

5. If you’re looking for hell…Google will lead you here.

 

I’d Like To Use My Phone-A-Friend, Regis

A text conversation with our favorite angry physician.

Me: Hey, I need you to settle a bet.  How long was Noah’s flood?

Drew: You do realize that I’m in Dubai on business, right?

Me: I do, but I’m on the clock, here.

Drew: You know who’s NOT on the clock?  Google.

Me: *sigh*

Drew: Fine.  40 days of rain, 160 on the Ark, 150 days until the water receded, and on the 10th day after that they sent out the birds.

Me: THANK YOU!

Drew: Why are you betting on biblical facts, by the way?

Me: I’m not.

Drew: ???

Me: I was betting Matt that you’d know that obscure crap, and that I could get you to tell me from Dubai inside of two minutes. (92 seconds, by the way)

Drew *slow clap*

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hey, do you happen to know the names of his sons’ wives?

Drew: Fuck you.

 

Dogma and Horsema

Bareback Mountain, indeed.

J: “Where are you headed?”

Me: “District office.”

J: “May the force be with you.”

Me: “And also with you.”

J: “You’re like a goddamn Episcopal Jedi.”

Me: “Episcopal?  Try Catholic.”

J: “Oh.  Extra guilt.”

Me: “Yes, but we are also required to exclusively bareback, so that’s a plus.”

J: “I’m pretty sure that’s not what they’ve been teaching you.”

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

(Note: If you type “bareback” into google images…you rarely get a picture involving horses.  Even if you type in “bareback horses”.  )