When Real Estate Porn Turns Dark


(After I sent him a real estate listing for a huge historic estate…)

Ryan: Great property, and I like the tree-lined drive.

Me: It would be perfect for a dog herd.

Ryan: Dogs? We could just set the children loose among the trees!

Me: I don’t even care if the damn thing is haunted.

Ryan: That might even make it better.  Just as long as the walls don’t bleed.

Me: Agreed, I draw the line at supernatural bodily fluids.

Ryan: Wise boundary, you have no idea where those ghosts have been.

Me: Well, yeah, something killed them.

And My Butler Will Only Have Four Fingers On Each Hand!


Me: I’m winning the Powerball on Wednesday.

Ryan: Best to start planning now.  I suggest permanent Disneyland passes with one of those tour guides that gets you to the front of the line.

Me: And one of those awesome suites as well.

Ryan: Can we just buy an apartment IN the park?  Maybe hidden somewhere in the new Star Wars Land?

Me: Only if the kitchen can be modeled after the Millennium Falcon.  Only cleaner.

Ryan: Much cleaner.  Don’t know what Han and Lando have done on that ship.

Me: Or Chewie!  His palms didn’t get that hairy for nothing.

Ryan: ……..

Well…I’ve Decided Which Kid To Burden In My Old Age


(The best part about this conversation is that he wasn’t kidding AT ALL…)

Liam: “I don’t understand why they’re always talking about people’s dream homes.  Dream homes are impossible.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Liam: “When you dream about a home, it always has dragons in it, or you have your own Bat Cave.  You can’t just make that happen.”

Me: “Not everyone dreams about having a Bat Cave.”

Liam: “Pfffffffft…what’s the point then.”

It’s Like Real Porn…But With Less Nudity, But Somehow Lower Morals



Those of you who know me, know that I have a deep, abiding love of something that I like to lovingly call, “real estate porn”, and now I’m passing my addiction on to America’s youth.  While we were eating breakfast, I usually show the kids the news, but last Friday, we went on an MLS site, so I could show them multi-million dollar homes, prompting this…

D’Avonte: “Forty-nine million dollars!?  Who has forty-nine million dollars!?  And who needs sixteen bathrooms?  You only got one ass.”


**NOTE: I do NOT refer to it as “real estate porn” in front of my students…I like my job.  Ironically, I don’t think I have a student that hasn’t seen a tremendous amount of ACTUAL porn, but someone has to have some standards in this joint, and sadly, that’s me.**

That’s No Garden, Ho.


It’s wrong to be turned on by this, isn’t it.

While looking at houses online…

Casey: “How about this one?”

Me: “Oh, no way.”

Casey: “It’s red brick…you love red brick…you never shut up about red brick.”

Me: “Yeah, but it has a HUGE vegetable garden situation, in the backyard, and I can’t even keep a cactus alive.”

Casey: “You’re smart…you could figure it out, and if you could grow your own kale, you’d save like a hundred bucks a month.  Seriously…what’s with you and the kale?  Are you just pooping sod at this point?”

Me: *glaring*

Casey: “What?”

Me: “I don’t poop…girls don’t ever poop.”

Casey: *pausing* “Even if I win that debate, I feel like I’m still going to lose.”

Me: “Pretty much.”

(Two minutes later…)

Casey: *whispering* “Why don’t you poop?”

Me: *whispering* “Because if I did, it would kill the mystery.”

Casey: *still whispering*  “What mystery?  The one where I wonder where all the kale goes?”

How Many Forms Of Birth Control Can You Use At Once Before It Becomes Obsessive Compulsive



I apologize in advance for the fact that my entire blog is about to be me bitching about house hunting…  The following took place Friday night, while I was perusing Zillow, or as I like to call it, “Real Estate Porn”.

Casey: “What about this one?”

Me: “It’s only 1200 square feet; I need something over 1600.”

Casey: “For what?”

Me: “For when the baby comes.”  *blinking innocently*

Casey: “That’s not funny.”

Me: “It sort of is.”

Casey: *pause* “Maybe it’s not such a bad idea; maybe we should have a baby.”

Me: “WHAT!?”

Casey: *giggling*

Me: “Fucker.”

Casey: “Now, that was funny.”