When Real Estate Porn Turns Dark

(After I sent him a real estate listing for a huge historic estate…)

Ryan: Great property, and I like the tree-lined drive.

Me: It would be perfect for a dog herd.

Ryan: Dogs? We could just set the children loose among the trees!

Me: I don’t even care if the damn thing is haunted.

Ryan: That might even make it better.  Just as long as the walls don’t bleed.

Me: Agreed, I draw the line at supernatural bodily fluids.

Ryan: Wise boundary, you have no idea where those ghosts have been.

Me: Well, yeah, something killed them.

And My Butler Will Only Have Four Fingers On Each Hand!

Me: I’m winning the Powerball on Wednesday.

Ryan: Best to start planning now.  I suggest permanent Disneyland passes with one of those tour guides that gets you to the front of the line.

Me: And one of those awesome suites as well.

Ryan: Can we just buy an apartment IN the park?  Maybe hidden somewhere in the new Star Wars Land?

Me: Only if the kitchen can be modeled after the Millennium Falcon.  Only cleaner.

Ryan: Much cleaner.  Don’t know what Han and Lando have done on that ship.

Me: Or Chewie!  His palms didn’t get that hairy for nothing.

Ryan: ……..

Well…I’ve Decided Which Kid To Burden In My Old Age

(The best part about this conversation is that he wasn’t kidding AT ALL…)

Liam: “I don’t understand why they’re always talking about people’s dream homes.  Dream homes are impossible.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Liam: “When you dream about a home, it always has dragons in it, or you have your own Bat Cave.  You can’t just make that happen.”

Me: “Not everyone dreams about having a Bat Cave.”

Liam: “Pfffffffft…what’s the point then.”

And You Thought They Taught 6th-Graders Nothing…

Xavier: “If you have a poltergeist in your house…you leave the damn house. End of story…no movie needed.”

It’s Like Real Porn…But With Less Nudity, But Somehow Lower Morals

Those of you who know me, know that I have a deep, abiding love of something that I like to lovingly call, “real estate porn”, and now I’m passing my addiction on to America’s youth.  While we were eating breakfast, I usually show the kids the news, but last Friday, we went on an MLS site, so I could show them multi-million dollar homes, prompting this…

D’Avonte: “Forty-nine million dollars!?  Who has forty-nine million dollars!?  And who needs sixteen bathrooms?  You only got one ass.”

 

**NOTE: I do NOT refer to it as “real estate porn” in front of my students…I like my job.  Ironically, I don’t think I have a student that hasn’t seen a tremendous amount of ACTUAL porn, but someone has to have some standards in this joint, and sadly, that’s me.**

That’s No Garden, Ho.

It’s wrong to be turned on by this, isn’t it.

While looking at houses online…

Casey: “How about this one?”

Me: “Oh, no way.”

Casey: “It’s red brick…you love red brick…you never shut up about red brick.”

Me: “Yeah, but it has a HUGE vegetable garden situation, in the backyard, and I can’t even keep a cactus alive.”

Casey: “You’re smart…you could figure it out, and if you could grow your own kale, you’d save like a hundred bucks a month.  Seriously…what’s with you and the kale?  Are you just pooping sod at this point?”

Me: *glaring*

Casey: “What?”

Me: “I don’t poop…girls don’t ever poop.”

Casey: *pausing* “Even if I win that debate, I feel like I’m still going to lose.”

Me: “Pretty much.”

(Two minutes later…)

Casey: *whispering* “Why don’t you poop?”

Me: *whispering* “Because if I did, it would kill the mystery.”

Casey: *still whispering*  “What mystery?  The one where I wonder where all the kale goes?”

How Many Forms Of Birth Control Can You Use At Once Before It Becomes Obsessive Compulsive

I apologize in advance for the fact that my entire blog is about to be me bitching about house hunting…  The following took place Friday night, while I was perusing Zillow, or as I like to call it, “Real Estate Porn”.

Casey: “What about this one?”

Me: “It’s only 1200 square feet; I need something over 1600.”

Casey: “For what?”

Me: “For when the baby comes.”  *blinking innocently*

Casey: “That’s not funny.”

Me: “It sort of is.”

Casey: *pause* “Maybe it’s not such a bad idea; maybe we should have a baby.”

Me: “WHAT!?”

Casey: *giggling*

Me: “Fucker.”

Casey: “Now, that was funny.”