Men…Don’t Read This One. Trust Me. You’re Welcome.

 

My OB/GYN is super efficient.

Okay, so, after 18 months, I’m having my Mirena removed.  I had it put in, essentially because I was sold on the idea that there was an 80% chance that I would stop getting my period. And, yes, I did stop getting actual periods, but what I had instead were 10-14 days of light spotting every five weeks.  Not ideal.  Worse, I gained a TON of weight, which…unless you’re being rescued from a deserted island, isn’t something most women strive for.

Tracy: Where are you?

Me: I’m at the Gynecologist, getting my IUD yanked out.

Tracy: Nice image. Text me when you’re done.

(ten minutes later)

Me: Done.  Easy peasy.

Tracy: Why did you have it removed, again?

Me:

Because this tiny thing, apparently, weighs 26 pounds.  I feel lighter already.

Tracy: Ewww…you took a picture of it?

Me: That’s not the one that came out of me, weirdo, that’s the sample in the waiting room.

Tracy: How many people were in the waiting room?

Me: I don’t know, 25?

Tracy: So, 25 people just watched you take a picture of something that amounts to a Vagina Lego, and you’re calling ME a weirdo?

Me: Touché

Least Sexy Sexting Ever.

A phone call to Drew.  For those of you who lack ovaries and ladyparts…a Mirena is an IUD.

Me: “Hey, I have a question for you about my Mirena.”

Drew: “Hey, I deal in lungs for a living, so why are you asking me about your vagina.”

Me: *sigh*

Drew: “Okay, okay, what’s wrong?”

Me: “I started developing this weird rash, and I don’t know if it’s related.  It started on my elbows, and now it’s spreading to my chest, and it’s itchy.”

Drew: “Send me a picture.”

Me: “That is the WORST way anyone has ever tried to get a picture of my tits.”

Drew: “Megan…any man that was turned on by a woman covered in hives would fall into a SERIOUSLY niche market of pervert.  I’m going to show it across to the derm guy across the hall, and get his opinion.”

Me: “Fiiiiine.  But you’re going to see the bottom of my bra.”

(sends picture)

Drew: “I don’t think it’s the Mirena, but call your GYN.  In the meantime, Benedryl before bedtime, and hydrocortisone on the affected area.”

Me: “I don’t need anything prescription?”

Drew: “I’m not calling you in a prescription unless you send me a picture with a nipple in it.”

Me: “So, that’s a ‘no’ then.”