Also, I’m Pretty Sure My History Teacher Was Hung Like A Mule, If That’s Your Thing

This has NOTHING to do with this post…I just find it hilarious, and I’m too tired to make a meme about an ass right now.

(A conversation by Facebook messenger…)

John: “Jesus, have you seen the magazine cover of Kim K’s ass?”

Me: “I fucking hate her…how would I have seen that?”

(Posts photo to conversation.)

Me: “That CANNOT be real.”

John: “I don’t even care if it’s real, it’s amazing.”

Me: “So, to be clear…if all it takes to impress you is a circus tent ass, let me introduce you to my high school chemistry teacher…she’s you type.  She couldn’t even walk between desks.  Mind you..she’s probably 60 by now.”

John: “Yes, but is she single…”

Krappity Krap Krap Krap.

(Upon meeting a friend’s new girlfriend.)

Me: “Mehhh…I’m not impressed.”

Tracy: “How can you tell?  You don’t even know her.”

Me: “I can just tell, she and I aren’t going to be friends.  We have nothing in common.”

Tracy: “You barely met her.”

Me: “And I can just tell.  Look in her eyes…I bet she knows everything there is to know about the Kardashians.  She can probably name them all in order.  Right now, she’s trying to figure out if Kelly or Kirsten is her favorite.”

Tracy: “None of them are named Kelly or Kirsten.”

Me: *look of absolute horror*

Tracy: “We’re not friends, anymore, are we?”

Me: *slowly shaking head*