Everything Is Better With Leather

(After four consecutive episodes of Sons Of Anarchy)

Me: “Huh.”

R: “What?”

Me: “You know this is really just a soap opera set in a biker gang.”

R: *horrified look* “A soap opera!?  What do you base that on?”

Me: “All the slapping.  Seriously.  They’re just some shoulder pads and a push into a pool away from being Dynasty.”

R: “I’ve never watched Dynasty, but I’m guessing that it didn’t have a fat hairy guy going down on two strippers on a biker bar pool table, white supremacists blinding a guy with a pool cue, or a guy named ‘Half-Sack’ constantly showing off his partially empty scrotum.”

Me: “Yeah…Dynasty could have been WAY better.”

(Six episodes later…)

Me: “Okay, I think we’ve officially watched too many episodes, in a row.”

R: “How can you POSSIBLY say that?”

Me: “Because I’m starting to appreciate the way Jax walks, and you know how much it used to annoy me. Seriously, I’m terrified I’m now going to be attracted to swaggering men in dirty leather.”

R: *switching channels* “Annnnnnd, Big Bang Theory it is…”

I’m Trying To Be Fucking Poignant Here!!!

Me (having a rare moment alone in the car with Liam): “Liam, one of the things that I love about you the most, is your thoughtfulness. You really take time to consider things, and how they affect the people around you, and you put yourself in other people’s shoes.  I love how kind you are to everyone you come into contact with.”

(silent pause)

Liam: *armpit fart noises*

Krappity Krap Krap Krap.

(Upon meeting a friend’s new girlfriend.)

Me: “Mehhh…I’m not impressed.”

Tracy: “How can you tell?  You don’t even know her.”

Me: “I can just tell, she and I aren’t going to be friends.  We have nothing in common.”

Tracy: “You barely met her.”

Me: “And I can just tell.  Look in her eyes…I bet she knows everything there is to know about the Kardashians.  She can probably name them all in order.  Right now, she’s trying to figure out if Kelly or Kirsten is her favorite.”

Tracy: “None of them are named Kelly or Kirsten.”

Me: *look of absolute horror*

Tracy: “We’re not friends, anymore, are we?”

Me: *slowly shaking head*

Megly McMcerson, Freelance Obstetrician

Jenny: I swear to you that this baby is totally falling out of me.

Me: It always feels like that the last couple of weeks. It’s normal.

Jenny: (sideways glance) How much money would I have to pay you to look and make sure there isn’t a hand or something hanging out?

Me: Oh, dude, I’d totally do that for free…but I want a favor.

Jenny: You just want permission to put this on your blog, don’t you?

Me: (Smiling)

Jenny: (Lifting dress) I liked you so much more before you started fucking writing again.

I was contacted by a gentleman recently, with whom I will never be sleeping…

He sent me an email, promising to “sweep you off your little feet”.  Clearly…he’s never seen the boats I’m walking on…  The following is his dating profile…

I’M ITALIAN! I AM AN AFFECTION, PASSIONATE, ROMANTIC ITALIAN. I AM TOLD I AM A TRUE ROMANTIC, I AM A PASSIONATE LOVER. I KNOW HOW TO TOUCH A WOMAN IN EVERY WAY. WE COULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND TAKE IT FROM THERE. WE COULD HAVE A CAPPUCCINO OR A GLASS OF WINE AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. I AM VERY DOWN TO EARTH…EASY GOING…I AM THE LAST CHIVALRY GUY! I’M VERY CHARMING! I ALSO DO SOMETHING THEY DON’T DO ANYMORE THESE DAYS! YOU WILL SEE WHEN WE MEET!

WHOEVER I’M WITH, I COMPLIMENT HER ON HER STYLE, HER HAIR, HER MAKE-UP!

WHO KNOWS MAYBE WE CAN BE GREAT FRIENDS AND MAYBE MORE. I AM A GREAT LISTENER. I HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE.
IF I LIKE WHAT I SEE, I WILL TELL YOU! I’D TAKE YOU BY YOUR LITTLE HAND EVERYWHERE WITH ME. I’D BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOU IN PUBLIC AND IN PRIVATE. I’D WHISPER LITTLE NOTHINGS TO YOU IN YOUR LITTLE EAR!
I’M LOOKING FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND IF THE RIGHT GIRL COMES ALONG, THEN WONDERFUL!

I AM A NEW YORK YANKEES AND NY GIANTS FAN. I ALSO LIKE AND THE NY KNICKS!

PERHAPS WE COULD JUST BE GOOD FRIENDS TO GO OUTD DO THINGS TOGETHER! I WILL BE A GREAT FRIEND TO YOU! I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NM T LISTENER! I THINK EVERE NEEDS GOOD FRIENDS IN THEIR LIFE!

I’d love to hear from you!

I’d totally marry him and have lots of sex and babies, but he’s a fucking Yankees fan.  I can’t have that shit in my house…it’s wrong.

Seriously…Children’s Publishing…you either need to hire me, or we need to go get a beer, because you’re just filthy enough to be fantastic company.

All of the following have been found in the last week, in the 2nd grade reading level area…

First we have the subtle…

Then, the not so subtle…

And, finally, we have the coup de grace…my personal favorite…

Nate the Great, indeed, and who DOESN’T love a happy ending?