The Giving Tree: Let’s call this book what it really is: A Manual For Codependency. Seriously. The tree gives and gives and gives to this kid, turning him into a little ingrate, and then, only at the END, when he’s used the tree up completely, and he has nothing left in his life, does the kid (now an old man, who has no other options) settle for sitting on the tree, and the tree is content with this. Giving Tree…get thyself to a 12-step meeting.
Goodnight Moon: And, dear, Lord, I know I’m burning the proverbial Mommy flag on this one, but I must. As much as my kids loved this book, and as much as I liked reading it (okay, I admit, in part, because it was short), there is a bowl full of mush just laying around collecting botulism…a rodent in a the nursery spreading Hantavirus, and some creepy old women telling people to hush. (Am I the only person who gets reminded of The Others when they read that page?) This joint needs a housekeeper and an exorcism, STAT.
Dr. Seuss…all of them: Look, I love them, I do. But, maybe fewer pages, Dr. Seuss? Mommy needs to scramble to catch her only minutes of child-free time, before bed, and there’s a glass of wine and a TIVO of Gigalos calling her name. You’re forcing me to palm 5 pages at a time, like I’m Criss Friggin’ Angel, to fake my kids out that we’re done faster.
However, specifically, shall we cover…
Green Eggs and Ham: Yes, yes, we should all try new things, but the level of peer pressure that is given to eat some horrifying foodstuffs, makes your average cocaine dealer look reasonable. Is it THAT much of a leap to see it as, “Would you snort it on a bass…would you snort it off a hooker’s ass?” No, it really isn’t. Furthermore, maaaaybe, in the short term, we shouldn’t be teaching our children that ‘taking a no’, isn’t an option, because, for today…it teaches them to nag and argue the hell out of everything they want…and tomorrow, it has darker implications. Also…not all that great about respecting other cultures, Sam-I-Am. Not a guy who’s down with anyone into Judaism or Islam, are you? Sam-I-Am-A-Xenophobe, is more like it.
Are You My Mother: Seriously, where was this bitch. The kid was on his own, from day one. Where is CPS when you need them? One-day-old and he’s hanging out on heavy machinery with predatory species.
The BFG: Yes, I’m happy that there is ONE big, friendly giant…but can we please revisit that huge part about children being EATEN by all the other giants? “And all the other children were eaten in their beds, after their parents tucked them in for the night.” (closes book) “Well…good night sweetie…sweet dreams…don’t let the enormous giants bite…ha ha ha…no, seriously, good night.” This book is the reason why children take Xanax and hate their parents.
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: Okay, I actually really like this one…it teaches kids the truth…that no good deed goes unpunished.
31 thoughts on “So, You Made Your Kid a Co-Dependent, Drug Addict With Literature!”
Barely got done laughing at palming pages like Chriss Angel before you gave me the one two with the hookers ass. And since that first time years ago, I thought getting the one-two from a hooker’s ass would only happen ONCE in my lifetime.
Ahhhh, I don’t think I’ve ever squee-ed about someone’s praising me about hooker-ass before. You took my hooker-ass-squeee-flower!!!
oh my jeez. this needs to be a book review in a parenting mag so they can be forewarned. the dr. suess hooker’s ass line made me snort (not cocaine). oh, and also – I hate blogger because I swear I put your blog on my blogroll and now it’s gone damnit. so, all this time I’ve been missing your posts and I just thought you were on a blogcation.
Lol…I’m on summer break…it will probably cause more ridiculous ramblings than normal. You’ve been warned, woman!
It’s been quite a while since I’ve read these to my little, I mean big kids. Thanks for the fond and hilarious memories. I recall having so many of the same thoughts. Palming pages… have. totally. done it. One Fish, Two Fish, Get the F* Done Fish.
Okay, that seriously made me laugh out loud. 🙂 Mine are also older than this now, but I’m collecting books for my best friend’s upcoming birth, and I realized I want to burn half of what we’re getting her. Argh…
Right!!? I’m going to write a book… How to Make Your Mom a F*cking Martini, and Other Useful Skills.
Make it dirty for Mommy, baby…three olives…good job, baby.
And feel free to make yourself one too… if you think it’ll help you sleep better.
Um, love it! I actually never thought about how long the books are and how annoying it must be when your child wants you to read the longest book! I agree with the “Are you my mother” book review, as that shit is creepy.
I also have no idea what The BFG is, but I’ll take your word for it that it sucks.
BFG was a Roald Dahl LSD trip…and not one of his nice ones. Don’t read it…it’ll give an full-grown adult nightmares.
Most Dr. Seuss books, in their original form, are like pediatric versions of War and Peace.
You are witty and brilliant and I love it!
From you, Madam…that is the highest of compliments. 🙂
I am laughing so hard right now!!! Well done.
Thank you! This happens to be one of the posts that I was the most proud of, but was so early in my game that no one ever reads it, so you’ve made my day. 🙂
Reblogged this on fisticuffsandshenanigans and commented:
Yes, I know…I know…this is the cheapest attempt at a post, of all damn time, but I’m already back at work, and seriously, this was written so long ago, that the only people who have had to suffer through it were my mother and a few other unfortunate souls who owe me money. I will purposely have a dick-heavy conversation with everyone, until one of them says something funny enough that I can write a new post tomorrow. Promise. 🙂
You forgot the weird mommy stalker in I Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.
Oh…you’re going to make me admit that I’m uncool and actually love that book. lol Damn it.
Brilliant. There is also the world’s worst zookeeper from Goodnight Gorilla. Seriously, dude. How stoned are you not to notice the elephant in your bedroom? http://feitcanwrite.com/2014/04/08/thought-of-the-day-482014-goodnight-gorilla-g/
Dude! I’ve never read that one, and now I sort of have to…damn it. Now, I have to get pregnant again, so I have an excuse. (note: no one will be getting pregnant) 🙂
Hahaha! GREAT take on those! I mean, which one of us mommies hasn’t read these tomes to our kids at night and thought almost exactly THAT!?
Even cooler – I found ONE person that actually admits to enjoying Gigolos! (Back then, when my son was little, it was Queer as Folk for me). I don’t think this requires explanation… 😉
Lol! Um, Gigalos is the most delicious trainwreck ever.
But QAF was a “socially conscious” train-wreck. 😉
Seriously, you’re right – Brace was just a tasty Whitman’s assortment of psychological issues. 😀
OMG…he’s just a bleach-tipped hotbed of narcissistic dumbfuckery….and was therefore my favorite.
Holy wow you literally PEGGED him! Oh no, wait – I didn’t mean LITERALLY literally… Wow, I just can’t! Too, too good LOL 😂
No need to talk about dicks or pussy for you to be entertaining as all fuck (no it wasn’t possible to make that sentence any more inappropriate – i tried.)
As a mom, I totally loved the short books and ‘attempted’ to skip pages until she got smart enough to realize the story wasn’t making sense anymore.
You. make me so damn happy.
I need you to know that.
Awww, girl. You make me feel better than a wheel of Brie and a pitcher of margaritas.
Probably not even close to your first lie of the day…
I haven’t lied once today, I’ll have you know. Not once. 😉