Sitting at coffee with my darling George recently, we started talking about our respective love lives, at which time George expressed the opinion that I was “too choosy”. I prefer to say that I have a keener sense of bullshit than the average human being. That having been said, I’ve made a cursory accounting of the reasons why I have rejected suitors. Sadly, this list only applies to the last year, but not-as-sadly, I’m happy to report that I still stand by each and every rejection with zero doubts.
-When asked their three favorite songs…two of them were on Guns and Roses’ Appetite For Destruction, and they listed Nickleback as their favorite band.
-Led with, “So….those real?” Yeah…real, real unlikely to wind up in your mouth.
-Constantly referred to his sons as “My Boyz”. First, the z-key isn’t that much more available than the s-key, and secondly, you’re not that street…give it up, white boy.
-Told me that there was “no way” I could “say no to these baby blues.” You’re 40…no one gives a shit about your eye color at this point, and unless you’re Paul Fucking Newman, you can’t pull that shit off.
-Led with, “I really like the pants your son is wearing.” Sir, did your neighbors receive a yellow postcard when you moved into the neighborhood? Are you banned from the internet?
-Used the R-word three times in a five-minute span, even though they knew that I was a special education teacher. Riiight, so when you’re hitting on a civil rights attorney, I bet you throw some other really awesome words around to impress them.
-“I’ll get you on the back of my bike, if it’s the last thing I do.” No…just trying will be the last thing you do. You won’t remember much…the end will be swift.
-When I made a remark about having a lot of Jewish friends, said, “Oh, that’s cool. You know that they killed Jesus, right?”
-When JOKINGLY asked if he’d ever committed a crime, winked and said, “Well…it only counts if I was convicted, right.” I had the distinct feeling that I was the only one joking.
-Expressed an admiration for Glenn Beck. End of story.
-When discussing equal rights, said, “I don’t see why we shouldn’t let gay people be just as miserable, divorced, sexless, and unhappy as the rest of us.” So you want my number why? Because the best case scenario sounds this attractive?
-On the first date, brought me a dozen red roses and introduced me to the waitress as his “next wife”.
-When told I was a teacher said, “Yeah, but what did you REALLY want to be?” Well, Sir, what I really want to be now is a giant hand, so I can slap the shit out of you.
-Weird random Capitalizations in the Middle of Sentences. Granted, he chose words that he Deemed Important, but it still annoyed the Living Shit out of me.
16 thoughts on “It’s Adam and Eve, Not Eve and Some Jackass.”
This is easily my favourite post yet. Brilliant. Just brilliant.
I didn’t know who this Beck chap was initially but having performed a Google search, he looks like the kind of guy you’d dislike…
Think you may have been a bit harsh on the Guns N’ Roses fan though..?
Both them and Nickelback feature heavily on my ‘Want to be liked by white people? Then listen to this.’ CD.
So consequently, I’m quite a fan.
I guess this means it wouldn’t work out bewteen us either then..?
But, Nickleback? Really? Have Imagine Dragons made it across the pond? If not…try them immediately and report back.
I’m pretty sure that our future romance was already doomed by distance, age-differences, and the fact that we’ve read each other’s blogs, which is akin to that point in all relationship, where someone finally lets a fart slip for the first time. (mental note: there is a blog post in that…)
Ha. No, I’m indifferent to Nickelback and GnR really. Though my brother was really into the latter when we were growing up.
Was aware of Imagine Dragons without actually being aware of them, if that makes sense? And yes, I like them. Not sure if that was the answer I was supposed to give though!
And regarding the relationship, I suppose you’re right. Shame…
I just recently discovered your blog and I’m so glad I did. Today was one of the funniest written pieces I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for the laughs.
Awww, thanks! And, I apologize for everything I’ve said that you’re going to read. And everything I have yet to write, which will probably be even more questionable.
Love the baby blues…love it
Right!? I haaaaate when men use that term. It’s so douchey.
The guy who made the comment about gay people sounds a bit like Woody Allen. Maybe you should give him a call after your daughters have flown the coop.
I will never understand why that man has ever managed to get his penis touched. Ever. By anyone.
Hahah oh those are rich!
This list should be published somewhere as a what-not-to-do when trying to impress the ladyz.. Oops. I guess you won’t be dating me, huh?
Seriously, it should be posted above urinals, for all to see. If I catalogued the last 20 years, it would be epic. lol
“You know they killed Jesus, right?”
Bravo…this was greatly amusing.
I read it 3x.
Sadly, it might require a part 2. My friends read it and reminded me of worse. *sigh*
(i strongly 2nd a part 2)