It’s Adam and Eve, Not Eve and Some Jackass.

Sitting at coffee with my darling George recently, we started talking about our respective love lives, at which time George expressed the opinion that I was “too choosy”.  I prefer to say that I have a keener sense of bullshit than the average human being.  That having been said, I’ve made a cursory accounting of the reasons why I have rejected suitors.  Sadly, this list only applies to the last year, but not-as-sadly, I’m happy to report that I still stand by each and every rejection with zero doubts.

-When asked their three favorite songs…two of them were on Guns and Roses’ Appetite For Destruction, and they listed Nickleback as their favorite band.

-Led with, “So….those real?”  Yeah…real, real unlikely to wind up in your mouth.

-Constantly referred to his sons as “My Boyz”.  First, the z-key isn’t that much more available than the s-key, and secondly, you’re not that street…give it up, white boy.

-Told me that there was “no way” I could “say no to these baby blues.”  You’re 40…no one gives a shit about your eye color at this point, and unless you’re Paul Fucking Newman, you can’t pull that shit off.

-Led with, “I really like the pants your son is wearing.”   Sir, did your neighbors receive a yellow postcard when you moved into the neighborhood?  Are you banned from the internet?

-Used the R-word three times in a five-minute span, even though they knew that I was a special education teacher.  Riiight, so when you’re hitting on a civil rights attorney, I bet you throw some other really awesome words around to impress them.

-“I’ll get you on the back of my bike, if it’s the last thing I do.”  No…just trying will be the last thing you do.  You won’t remember much…the end will be swift.

-When I made a remark about having a lot of Jewish friends, said, “Oh, that’s cool.  You know that they killed Jesus, right?”

-When JOKINGLY asked if he’d ever committed a crime, winked and said, “Well…it only counts if I was convicted, right.”  I had the distinct feeling that I was the only one joking.

-Expressed an admiration for Glenn Beck.  End of story.

-When discussing equal rights, said, “I don’t see why we shouldn’t let gay people be just as miserable, divorced, sexless, and unhappy as the rest of us.” So you want my number why?  Because the best case scenario sounds this attractive?

-On the first date, brought me a dozen red roses and introduced me to the waitress as his “next wife”.

-When told I was a teacher said, “Yeah, but what did you REALLY want to be?”  Well, Sir, what I really want to be now is a giant hand, so I can slap the shit out of you.

-Weird random Capitalizations in the Middle of Sentences.  Granted, he chose words that he Deemed Important, but it still annoyed the Living Shit out of me.