Remember When I Got To Teach Reading? Those Were The Days…



So…my friend D’Avonte was wearing a black mini-dress with lace tights and stilettos, because…it was a Tuesday.

Me: “Dee, if you’re going to wear a short skirt, you’ve got to sit lady-like…knees together, sister…knees together.”

D’Avonte: (laughing) “What’d you see!?  What’d you see!?”

Me: “I saw a flash of white, which given your outfit and your skin color seems unusual, so let’s, please, keep it classy.”

D’Avonte: (throwing hands to the sky) “Jesus, help me!”

Me: “We can all use all the help we can get today, apparently.”

D’Avonte: “True.  You know, Miss M…Jesus IS everywhere.”

Me: “Awesome, so he can see what I can…think about that when you’re sitting.”

D’Avonte: (theatrically crossing legs)

Me: “Thank you.”

D’Avonte: (gesturing to crotch) “I don’t need Jesus all up in there.”

Me: (facepalm)


At Least He’s Sexier Than Caucasian Buddha?



A conversation that took place at our collective sons’ baseball game, when my friend spotted her ex-husband on the other side of the playing field.  Note…Jessica is black…just so you don’t think she’s a giant racist…

Jessica: “Look at him over there…with those stupid long dreads and those sandals…looking like black Jesus.”

Me: “Jesus was actually probably pretty black.”

Jessica: “Look at him over there…looking like historically accurate Jesus.”


**I’m back on dry land! In the SeaTac airport, heading home!**

Mother Theresa, I Am Not



Every week, when I pick my daughter up from a class downtown, there are lots of homeless in the area, so, tonight, I bought a bag of burgers to give to someone.

Me: “We’ve been driving around for 30 minutes…and we’ve seen no one.  Where is everybody?”

Caolinn: “Maybe they’ve solved the homeless problem since last week.”

Me: “Doubtful…our state is too busy oppressing the gays.”

Caolinn: “Well, how about that guy?”

Me: “Um…no, he’s coming out of Urban Bean…he’s not homeless, he’s a hipster.  It’s hard to tell them apart sometimes, but a $5 cup of coffee suggests that you have a home to go to.”

Caolinn: “Maybe, when we do finally find someone, it will really be someone magical in disguise, and they’ll reward us for our kindness.”

Me: “What, like a friggin’ genie?  Do you think that we’re getting wishes, here?  We’re trying to be nice and FAILING at it.”

Caolinn: “Not a genie…maybe like Jesus, and he’ll let us go straight to heaven like Mary without really dying.”

Me: “Um…that’s nice, but I have unfinished business here on Earth.”

Caolinn: “Fine, maybe not heaven…maybe he’ll just make us immortal.”

Me: “Let me get this straight…you think that in order to reward us for a bag of McDoubles…Jesus is going to turn us into vampires.”

Caolinn: “Well, it’d be cool.”

Me: “We need to go back to church.”

The Gift That Keeps On Giving. (No, Not Herpes.)


Whilst passing a large display of novelty blankets being hocked on the corner of a busy intersection, with a sign that said, “Just In Time For Christmas.”

Are those Benjamins even correct to the time period of when that movie was filmed?  I'm calling shenanigans on this one!

Are those Benjamins even correct to the time period of when that movie was filmed? I’m calling shenanigans on this one!

Me: “Ooooo, I totally know what I’m getting you for Christmas.”

Caolinn: “Is it wrong that I sort of really want the one of the two unicorns frolicking?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that one was inspired by more drug use than the one of Bob Marley smoking.”

Caolinn: “Well, at least it’s better than the one of the girl with the marijuana leaves in places they shouldn’t be.”

Me: “Caol…”

Caolinn: “Yeah…”

Me: “”Is there a legitimate place where marijuana leaves SHOULD be?”

Caolinn: “According to you, they SHOULD be with the two unicorns frolicking.”

Me: “I love Christmas.”

Caolinn: “Me, too.  Happy birthday, Jesus.”

It’s Adam and Eve, Not Eve and Some Jackass.



Sitting at coffee with my darling George recently, we started talking about our respective love lives, at which time George expressed the opinion that I was “too choosy”.  I prefer to say that I have a keener sense of bullshit than the average human being.  That having been said, I’ve made a cursory accounting of the reasons why I have rejected suitors.  Sadly, this list only applies to the last year, but not-as-sadly, I’m happy to report that I still stand by each and every rejection with zero doubts.

-When asked their three favorite songs…two of them were on Guns and Roses’ Appetite For Destruction, and they listed Nickleback as their favorite band.

-Led with, “So….those real?”  Yeah…real, real unlikely to wind up in your mouth.

-Constantly referred to his sons as “My Boyz”.  First, the z-key isn’t that much more available than the s-key, and secondly, you’re not that street…give it up, white boy.

-Told me that there was “no way” I could “say no to these baby blues.”  You’re 40…no one gives a shit about your eye color at this point, and unless you’re Paul Fucking Newman, you can’t pull that shit off.

-Led with, “I really like the pants your son is wearing.”   Sir, did your neighbors receive a yellow postcard when you moved into the neighborhood?  Are you banned from the internet?

-Used the R-word three times in a five-minute span, even though they knew that I was a special education teacher.  Riiight, so when you’re hitting on a civil rights attorney, I bet you throw some other really awesome words around to impress them.

-“I’ll get you on the back of my bike, if it’s the last thing I do.”  No…just trying will be the last thing you do.  You won’t remember much…the end will be swift.

-When I made a remark about having a lot of Jewish friends, said, “Oh, that’s cool.  You know that they killed Jesus, right?”

-When JOKINGLY asked if he’d ever committed a crime, winked and said, “Well…it only counts if I was convicted, right.”  I had the distinct feeling that I was the only one joking.

-Expressed an admiration for Glenn Beck.  End of story.

-When discussing equal rights, said, “I don’t see why we shouldn’t let gay people be just as miserable, divorced, sexless, and unhappy as the rest of us.” So you want my number why?  Because the best case scenario sounds this attractive?

-On the first date, brought me a dozen red roses and introduced me to the waitress as his “next wife”.

-When told I was a teacher said, “Yeah, but what did you REALLY want to be?”  Well, Sir, what I really want to be now is a giant hand, so I can slap the shit out of you.

-Weird random Capitalizations in the Middle of Sentences.  Granted, he chose words that he Deemed Important, but it still annoyed the Living Shit out of me.