Terrible Person: Party of One.

My former father-in-law’s wife truly means well, but recently emailed both Caolinn and I this long account of how they ran into a fawn, tried to get it help, and then it died anyway.  Merry fucking Christmas.  Anyway…Caolinn wasn’t impressed.

Caolinn: “Why would she email me, a vegetarian animal lover, a story about how they murdered a baby deer with a Toyota!?”

Me: “Sweetie, I don’t think she meant any harm, but I acknowledge it’s weird.”

Caolinn: “Well, guess who’s not getting a Christmas present from me this year!?”

Me: “Well, the deer, obviously.”

Caolinn: “MOTHER!!!”

Detachment Parenting

A text conversation that took place with my friend, Maya, because of this post…in which my son gave a thinly veiled threat of cannibalism.

Maya: Come to my house.  You’re safe here. We’re all vegetarians.

Me:  I’ll be right over, but I’m leaving the kids behind…clearly, they can’t be trusted.

Maya: It’ll be like Lord of the Flies at your house. Plus side, you’ll be safe over here, and I have alcohol.

Me: Okay, but nobody better call CPS….be cool.