Dear FBI, Dump The Handwriting Research…You Need To Look Into Panties

To be clear…if you’ve been reading this blog AT ALL, you’ll be just as shocked as I am, that I’ve managed to raise a child with common sense bordering on prudishness, but somehow, THAT happened.

Caolinn: “The only good thing about the locker room in gym, is that now I know who I will and will not be hanging out with.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Caolinn: “Oh, you can totally tell who’s going nowhere in life, just by seeing their panties.  You’re wearing a hot pink thong with a hashtag on the crotch?  Pretty sure you’re not making good decisions.  Same for the girls with ‘sexy’ written on the ass.  You’re fourteen…who is that for?  And those stupid Marvel panties that you and I saw in Target and made fun of?  Yeah…I’ve seen them on two different people.  Be your own hero, damn it.”

 

For the record, this is what she’s talking about, where feminism and common sense took a dump in Target’s Junior’s department.

Damn You, Sarah McLachlan

Just over a year ago, the universe colluded with a youtube clip, and my poor heart, still bruised from losing my previous dogs, started to feel like it could stand another foray into pet ownership.

What has happened since, is a love affair with this animal, which is just this side of legally reportable.

I swear I only LOOK like the spawn of Dog-Satan.

Example 1:

(Just getting out of shower, and discovering the dog had one of his stuffed animals…)

Liam (yelling): “Sully, you get back here! You better give me that!”

Liam (muttering to himself): “I’m going to go put on some underwear, so he takes me seriously.”

Example 2:

Me: “Hey, I think the dog isn’t as freaked out by grown men anymore! He totally stopped barking at this one guy, after just a minute, and then he even licked sweat off his forehead.”

Tracy: “Um…why is a guy sweating in your house?”

Me: “He was a mover, pervert.”

Tracy: “Maybe he only likes sweaty men?”

Me: “Maybe he only likes men that take shit from our house.”

Example 3:

Caolinn: “I think the dog relates to me.”

Me: “The dog spends half his day drinking from the toilet and trying to eat pads out of the garbage.”

Caolinn: “Well…aside from that.”

And, Now, Her Brother…

Liam: “Do you remember that time we had to go to the hospital because my underwear was too tight.”

Me: “Uhhhhhh, no?”

Liam: “Nevermind then.”

Me: “Liam, I’m going to need you to explain this entire conversation to me.”