I’m More Scared Of My Friends, Than I am Some Random Crackhead



Drew: “Hey, don’t tell anybody you’re going out of town on Facebook.”

Me: “Why, I have a housesitter, nosy neighbors who don’t work, and an alarm system.”

Drew: “Still.”

Me: “Drew, what are they going to steal?  The only things I have of any value are going with me to Alaska.  Are they going to make off with my 80lb TV that still has a picture tube, or my three copies of Zoolander?”

Drew: “You have three copies of Zoolander?”

Me: “Want one?”

Drew: “No.  And what if someone breaks in and isn’t looking to rob you?”

Me: “Huh?”

Drew: “What if it’s just some pervert who wants to…I don’t know…break in and jack-off on your bed, or something?”

Me: “Well, two things.  One, I’m never giving YOU a house key, pervert.  Two, I guess I’m washing my sheets when we get back.

Body Cavity Search, Please…Party Of Six



Drew: Hey, have a safe flight.

Me: Thanks!  Just cleared TSA in record time.

Drew: Were you worried?

Me: Deep down, I’m always afraid that somehow I will get myself on the no-fly list.

Drew: How?  By telling dick jokes on the internet?

Me: Probably.

Drew: That’s not why they’re going to keep you off a plane…trust me…there are reasons.

Me: Why do YOU think?

Drew: Three adolescent children, a divorcee, and two grandparents?  Honey, that’s the definition of ‘terror cell’.  (shudder)


**Friends…Loved Ones…Lovers, I am, officially, on vacation, and I will only have enough cell coverage to randomly send posts that I typed BEFORE I got on the cruise (I’m even writing this from the dock…because I’m dedicated and shit), so I won’t be able to respond to comments until I get off (Ha!  Get off!  Get it…because it’s…nevermind).  Good news…I’m sure we’re having an AWESOME time…bad news…you’ll be listening to cruise-related bullshit posts, related to my family, for the next month.  I apologize in advance.  **


Amazon…An Evil Corporation Bent On Ending The Human Race Through Sexual Indifference

That thing I'm supposed to remember about the Alamo...it was about the basement, wasn't it?
Don’t forget the Alamo…or its basement bike rack.

Friends, when I think of all the romantic places in America, I think about a carriage ride in Central Park ……Napa Valley at The Crush…Washington DC when the cherry blossoms bloom.  These places scream of long, slow, wet kisses; room-service-fueled hotel romps, and over-the-shirt, second-base gropings in the shadows of national monuments.  These places are, for lack of a better term, sexy as fuck.

So, why is it, that with all these amazing places to choose from, the geniuses over at Amazon came up with this list of America’s 20 most romantic cities…based on which cities ordered the highest number of romantic titles, as well as “sexual wellness” products?

Now…readers, for those of you who have ever actually touched the genitals of another living, breathing human being, I’m sure you can see the flaw in their algorithm.  Quite simply, people who are rife with cock-getting…don’t need to buy a prosthetic dick, nor are they watching Rom-Coms by the dozen, while buying every novel printed, that features a spunky virgin being deflowered by a troubled space pirate who is also secretly the Duke of Fucksby.

Seriously, Amazon…who the fuck came up with this theorem of yours?  The IT department?  Those guys only get laid on World of Warcraft, and even then, only if they pretend to be chicks.

But, let us forget for a moment, shall we, that New York and San Francisco, and all of those other amazing places didn’t make their list of romance.  Let us, please, take a look at who DID make the cut.

Holy…fucking…hell.  You have GOT to be kidding me, here, Amazon.

Now, guys, I’ll give you Seattle and Vancouver, because that broody, rainy, “What-if-Edward-Cullen-was-real” crap plays well with a lot of women, and I’ll even give you Miami, because it does lead the United States in oily nudity.  And Vegas?  Fiiine…I’ll even give you Vegas, even though most sexual encounters in Vegas are either purchased or took place in a drunken blackout.  But, goddamn Pittsburgh!?  That’s not even the sexiest place in the Allegheny.  Murfreesboro, Tenn?  That MIGHT be the sexiest place to fuck your least-favorite sister.  MIGHT BE.  And Round Rock, Texas?  I’ve actually been to Round Rock, Texas, and I’m frankly surprised you’re getting any business there at all, being that the only three local establishments are a porn emporium, a strip club, and a place that sells 5lb doughnuts.  You’d THINK they’d have it covered, already, but I guess not.

Frankly, the amount of blog space that it would take for me to dissect the insanity of this list, would make WordPress shut me down for wasted bandwidth, but I would be remiss if I didn’t address your #1 selection, San Antonio.  Now, I love San Antonio…truly, I do.  It’s a great town, but no one is going to mistake the San Antonio Riverwalk for a stroll along the Seine.  Oh, what’s that over there?  A sweet little Parisian cafe, where we can kiss passionately between glasses of Chateau du Coq Noir?  No…it’s a fucking Hooters.  And who is that mysterious man?  A brooding writer who will make passionate love to you, after seducing you with his prose?  No…it’s an 18-year-old private, celebrating his first weekend pass from basic training with a fake ID and a pocketful of military-issued prophylactics.  Again, I love San Antonio, but tortillas aren’t crepes, and Dick’s Last Resort isn’t Le Moulin Rouge.  Seriously, the last man that “went down” in that town was Davy Crockett.

So, dear friends, I beg of you…what are YOUR most romantic cities, American or otherwise?  And if you say, Murfreesboro, please, do us all a favor, and give your sister my kindest regards.

Goooood Morning Oman!!!!!!



Me: “I’m looking at my blog stats, and someone from Oman has been reading the crap out of my blog.”

Tracy: “Oman?”

Me: “Right!?”

Tracy: “Someone from Oman is reading your blog?”

Me: “Italy, South Africa, Australia, UK, Canada, a few other places…but Oman is making a serious showing.”

Tracy: “You think this is a good thing?  Have you READ your blog?  You’re completely offending people on a global scale now.  People in other countries now know that you want to kill off pandas and have you have your bush waxed, and you’re happy about that?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Tracy: “Okay, but don’t complain when China stops letting our zoos have those fat bastards because they’re afraid of us.”

Me: “Yes, but that serves my purpose.  Just think of all the money I can save our country, that they would have been spending trying to make pandas horny.”

Tracy: “Yeah…you’re a national hero.”


If you’ll allow me to nerd out just a little bit.  The fact that this blog has been read in over 30 countries makes me happier than I can possibly express.  It’s amazing how small the world has gotten, and how we’re all so accessible to each other and our ideas.  The fact that ANYBODY is reading this is rather amazing, but, truly, reading my blog stats, every day, and seeing hits from other countries…that’s a special little thrill.

Totally awkward and slightly too long hugs…