That’s Right, Kids…And Waterfalls Wash Away All Blood Evidence.

For those of you who are newer, I am the lucky recipient of the world’s most amazing student, D’Avonte, who is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag-queen, who basically sasses me all day, but does it so charmingly, that I love her more for it.  That and she looks better than I do in short shorts, so I defer to her greatness. Additionally, I’ve taken on a new Sophomore, Ramon, who is this swaggering, sexist gangster, perpetually getting busted for drug offenses. Strangely, the two of them have become friends, which my teaching partner attributes to the fact that D’Avonte could kick Ramon’s ass, even in a wig and heels.

Anyhoooo…we were watching part of the Planet Earth series to supplement a lesson we were doing on the rainforest.

D’Avonte: “Oooooo, that’s pretty…look at all those flowers.”

Ramon: “You could get all lost up in there. That would be a GOOD place to bury a body.”

D’Avonte: (turning around) “The fuck is wrong with you!?”

I Don’t Want To Hear Another Word For 28 Days, D’Avonte

For those of you who are new…D’Avonte, easily one of my favorites (okay, they’re all my favorite), is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag queen, who comes to school in full regalia every day.  Another fun thing about D’Avonte…D’Avonte likes to pretend to be menstruating every time there’s work to avoid.

This is what happens when I’m trying to teach math, y’all. Please picture the entire conversation in a stage whisper…

D’Avonte: “Miss McMcerson…Miss McMcerson!”

Me: “What?”

D’Avonte: “I got my period.  Do you have a pad?”

Me: (Shaking my head)

D’Avonte: “Miss McMcerson…I need a pad.”

Me: “This is your sixth period this month.”

D’Avonte: “I need a pad.”

Me: “What you need is a health class.”

Remember When I Got To Teach Reading? Those Were The Days…

So…my friend D’Avonte was wearing a black mini-dress with lace tights and stilettos, because…it was a Tuesday.

Me: “Dee, if you’re going to wear a short skirt, you’ve got to sit lady-like…knees together, sister…knees together.”

D’Avonte: (laughing) “What’d you see!?  What’d you see!?”

Me: “I saw a flash of white, which given your outfit and your skin color seems unusual, so let’s, please, keep it classy.”

D’Avonte: (throwing hands to the sky) “Jesus, help me!”

Me: “We can all use all the help we can get today, apparently.”

D’Avonte: “True.  You know, Miss M…Jesus IS everywhere.”

Me: “Awesome, so he can see what I can…think about that when you’re sitting.”

D’Avonte: (theatrically crossing legs)

Me: “Thank you.”

D’Avonte: (gesturing to crotch) “I don’t need Jesus all up in there.”

Me: (facepalm)

 

Guys, I Don’t Think I Can Top This One

For full effect…you have to picture D’Avonte in floral spandex leggings and a blouse with some sassy sandals and enough costume jewelry to blind someone if caught in direct sunlight…

(Looking over to see her doing some weird squatting motion in my doorway, on her way to lunch.)

Me: “What ARE you doing?”

D’Avonte: “I’m tucking, Ms. M, cuz you know…I don’t have…(whispering)…a vagina.”

Me: “Oh, my, God!  Go to the bathroom!”

D’Avonte: “Love you, Ms. M.”

Me: “Love you, too.”

D’Avonte Strikes Again…

(As I’m unlocking my closet to grab some notebook paper)

D’Avonte: “Girrrrrrlllll, you best be goin’ in there to put some makeup on, because you need lipstick more than I need paper.”

Me: *sigh*

Touche, Kid…Now Shut Up

For those of you who remember this post…my favorite student, D’Avonte, is a 6′ 3 self-identified drag queen, who comes to school in full regalia every day…and whose look is always on point.  ALWAYS.

 

Me: (To my assistant) “Seriously, who hasn’t been in this room this week?  I think everyone on campus has evaluated my teaching.”

D’Avonte: (murmuring) “Good thing they’re evaluating your teaching, and not your choice of fucking shoes.”

If You Get 100% On Your Mid-Term, I’ll Teach You How To Do A Smoky-Eye.

I promise that the following sentimental soap box will be followed by something ridiculous, because, frankly…that’s my style.

As some of you know, I am a teacher, specializing in students with emotional and behavioral concerns, and I truly believe my kids are the MOST incredible people.  One of my very favorites (and, yes, they’re all my favorites) is D’Avonte.  D’Avonte is just over 6’3″, and comes to school, every day, in full drag.  I love her.  At an age where most teenagers panic over a pimple, she has unabashedly accepted herself, in all of her transgender glory.  Her unapologetic self-acceptance is contagious, making others not only take her, as she is, but also hopefully teaching them to appreciate and embrace people, who differ from themselves.  I wish I had ten-percent of her self-esteem, and a hundred-percent of her ability to strut her ass down the hallways in heels like she’s heading for Milan.

The following conversation took place in my math class with one of her friends…and yes, they were both kidding, so don’t call the police.

Navaeh: “You better stop looking at me like that, or I’m gonna come over there with this pencil and shank your ass.”

D’Avonte: “You can try, but I’m gonna sllllllap you across your face and throw my wig at you.”

 

Seriously, how lucky am I to have these kids?  I am so damn grateful that of all the jobs in the world…this is mine.