I Wonder If It Gets Him Special Parking…

Liam: “Did you know that Tom Cruise has a disability?”

Xavier: “Yes.”

Liam: “Well, what is it, then?”

Xavier: “Scientology.”

The Danger Zone Indeed.

(It would take entirely too long to explain how this conversation got started.)

Ryan: Rambo III was the only movie I’ve ever seen, where I wanted my money back.

Me: For me that was Eyes Wide Shut. Never has a movie with so much sex, been so sexless.

Ryan: That’s because the only believable sexual tension that Tom Cruise has ever had, onscreen, was with Val Kilmer.

 

**And if you don’t think Top Gun was softcore gay porn, I’m begging you to rewatch the shower scenes.  All of them.

 

Fiat…I Want A Check…And Condoms In The Glovebox.

Ryan: The kids with their dad?

Me: Yup.  I might pull a Risky Business in a minute and do some air guitar in my underpants.

Ryan: Just don’t start a brothel in your house, or you’ll spend the entire weekend terribly concerned about an overpriced crystal egg.

Me: You just know his parents were at some high-end swinger’s weekend…some Eyes Wide Shut number.

Ryan: You mean where they wear masks, and could just as easily be attending a human sacrifice?

Me: WASP boners as far as the eye can see…

Ryan: WASPS don’t have “boners”, and they can only get them if they throw back a Cyalis with their single-malt.

Me: Thank God we’re just poor Irish-Italian immigrant trash.  Our people only needed a couch and healthy dose of shame, and it was on.

Ryan: Shame is Irish lubricant.  Also liquor, let us not forget the liquor.

Me: And the Italian side?

Ryan: Italians are passionate.  Any high surface will do.  Countertop…Tables…Hood of a Fiat…

Me: Back of a Vespa?

Ryan: I’ve heard you can’t get pregnant on the back of a Vespa.

Me: I think we just explained why you have so many cousins, Casanova.

 

Unwittingly, I’ve Given Birth To A Vanderbilt

 

(Clearly, this conversation took place BEFORE we left…)

My mother: “I forgot to pack my hair dryer.”

Me: “Mom, it’s a four-star boat…they have hair dryers.”

Caolinn: “Four?  What happened to the fifth star?”

Me: (incredulous look) “Caol, the last time someone in this family crossed an ocean…it was in steerage.  Forget about the fifth star, and be happy you’re not getting cholera.”