Note: Carry a random dollar amount of life insurance.

The Simpsons

The Simpsons

In preparing for next school year, it occurs to me that the only thing worse than reading these stories, is having to teach with them.  Kids, let me save you some time…

The Most Dangerous Game:  Oh, please…the most dangerous game is hunting an unarmed man across a private island?  Pffffft!  Everyone over the age of sixteen knows that the most dangerous game on Earth is playing “Just the Tip”.

The Metamorphosis: If you turn into a giant monster, your family will throw apples at you, wait for you to die, and then take a nice train ride in the country to celebrate.  It’s a pretty thin metaphor, teenagers…take note.

The Lottery: This story is actually ridiculously accurate, because, like Tessie, when you win the lottery, everyone you know is going to pelt you, only it will be with lawsuits and monetary requests, rather than stones.  And, yes, kids, it IS a little like the Hunger Games…only no one is remotely sexy, so the story is shorter to make up for it.

Flowers For Algernon: Oh, a depressive two-fer!?  We get to mourn an adorable animal AND a mentally disabled man?  Great.  Now, where did I put that katana and cyanide?  I know I put it somewhere.  Damn it.

The Monkey’s Paw: They wish for 200 pounds and the next day their son is killed, and they are given that exact amount of money, as a settlement.  Great, now I get to cringe every single time my kids throw a penny in a fountain.  Is anyone else concerned about what happened to the rest of the monkey?  I bet if you hadn’t chopped off his paw, he wouldn’t be such a dick.  Although, this story does have a zombie, and zombies are gold…just ask Hollywood.

The Gift of the Magi: Hey, guys, that watch is gone forever, but guess whose hair is going to grow back?  Yeah, that’s right…women are smarter when it comes to shopping retail.  Who’s naive now?