I’m Going To Assign Dress Code Violations In My Sleep

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Me: “Princess, your shirt is riding up again, pull that down or I’m going to make you wear the spare one in my closet.”

D’Avonte: “You can’t make me take this off.  This is COUTURE!”

Me: “Really?  Where did you buy it?”

D’Avonte: “Where do you THINK I bought it?”

Me: “At the ‘Too Short Shirt Store’?”

D’Avonte: “I will have you know I bought this at K-Mart.”

Me: “So that was ‘Kouture’ with a ‘K’?”

D’Avonte: *eye roll*

Ready…Aim…FIRED!

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(Yes, I text my teenager on her lunch hour to bitch about OTHER teenagers.)

Me: I’m subbing on my prep for the Drafting teacher, and I’m watching this girl flirt with the boy across from her by pretending to be stupid to get his attention.

Caolinn: Ugh.  Idiot.

Me: I want to throw markers at her.

Caolinn: Please do.  Throw red ones, they’re more alarming and make sure to take the caps off first.

Me: And as I do, I’ll scream, “NOT. ON. MY. WATCH.”

Caolinn: They can’t fire you…you’re just teaching her.

Little Brothers…Pissing Big Sisters Off Since 4,000,000 B.C.

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(My 11-year-old twins and I are sitting in the parking lot, waiting to pick their sister up from the Freshman football game. A teenage boy walks her out to the gate, hugs her, and then she gets in the car.)

*deafening silence*

Xavier: “So…..tell me about your young man.”