And Soon They’ll Be 13…


Me; “You’ve hit your two-hour limit, put the laptop away.”

Xavier: “No, I haven’t!”

Me: “Yes…you have, put it away.”

Xavier: “Mom! I haven’t been on two hours!”

Me: “You have, and if you say one more word on the subject, I’ll take it and put it somewhere.”

Liam: (whispering to Xavier) “Somewhere up your butt.”

Me: (glare)

Liam: (whispering) “Nevermind.”

Baby, Imma Cast A Reducto Spell…On Your Pants.

Harry Potter Wand

“I wanted you to feel like a wizard every time you watched TV.” Seriously, the best birthday present ever.

(A Text conversation from last night.)

Ryan: Have you gotten your wand to work, yet?

Me: Not as well as I worked your wand last night.

Ryan: Hey-oh!  No, seriously, have you gotten it to work, yet?

Me: I’m trying to program it, now.

(5 minutes later)

Me: Sweetie, I might need you to do it for me, I can’t get it to work.

Ryan: Is it broken?

Me: No, I’m just not as tech savvy as you are. I’m reading the directions, and it’s just not working for me. Still trying…

(3 minutes later)

Me: ūüė¶

Ryan: What’s wrong?

Me: I’m such a fucking Hufflepuff.

Ryan: There, there…at least you’re not a Nerf Herder.

Me: I don’t even know what that means.

Ryan: No one does, darling…no one does.


What Doesn’t Kill You…Makes You Snarkier.


My daughter has recently expressed an interest in horror movies, and being that she’s approaching 15 and thus unlikely to wind up sleeping in my bed for six months because of psychological trauma, I let her watch Poltergeist with me, for the first time.

(Two seconds into the movie…)

Caolinn: “Why does that TV look like that?”

Me: “It has a picture tube…TVs used to weigh like a hundred pounds.”

Caolinn: “Why is that phone on the wall? ¬†You can’t move.”

Me: “Welcome to the 80’s, Caol.”

Caolinn: “Why is the TV all fuzzy?”

Me: “Because at night, the stations used to stop programming around midnight. ¬†They’d play the national anthem, and then just stop broadcasting.”

Caolinn: “Seriously…the scariest thing about this movie is how you guys used to live. ¬†PLEASE tell me there is going to be something dead in this movie, aside from the technology.”