It Should Come As A Shock To No One That I Have A Fucking Mental Problem.

Okay, so I *might* have a well documented school-supply hoarding situation.  Bottom line: if it’s on deep discount, I’ll buy it, and at any given moment, I am completely capable of opening my own OfficeMax.  My coworker used to just find my stash impressive, but now when I text her my victories, she just finds it concerning.

Me: Target clearance!  I just scored 77 spiral notebooks for $8!!!

Michelle: Okay, that’s awesome, but how many can you possibly use?

Me: I use them!

Michelle: You used maybe 20 last year.

Me: See!  I’m covered for almost 4 years!

Michelle: And the 200 you already have in the closet?

Me: Shhhhhh….let me have this.

It’s Almost 2015, Why Don’t We Have Hover-Cars, Already!?

Me: “Okay, but I want to wait until 8 to go, because right now EVERYONE will be shopping after work, and the parking will be ridiculous.”

Caolinn: “How bad can the parking be at Pier One.  It’s not like THAT many people go Christmas shopping there.”

Me: “Yeah, but that plaza also has a Best Buy, a Michaels, a Target, and a Mervyns, so the parking is insane.”

Caolinn: “What’s a Mervyns?”

Xavier: “I’m pretty sure it’s shop for wizards.”

Me: (sigh)

Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Folly

I went conservative. Or my version of conservative…

While shopping at Target for an ornament exchange I was attending, for an organization I’m involved with, that supports and connects LGBTQ community members with peers and some straight allies.

Caolinn: “What do you want to get?”

Me: “It has to be a un-traditional and fun, bordering on campy.  Those are the ones that everyone fights over.”

Caolinn: “How about this one?  It’s masculine, but also sort of sexy.”  (Holds up Superman ornament complete with abs.)

Me: “Lesbians outnumber the men 10:1 at this thing, I have to find something for my ladies who like ladies.  Wait…do they have Wonder Woman?”

Caolinn: “Nope, but they have this…”  (smirking)

 

Me: “Too far.”

 

(Ironically, someone else brought it, and it was a huge hit.  *sigh*)

Kids, I Only Buy You Halloween Costumes So I Can Steal Your Candy.

My sons both picked out these costumes…welcome to the next three years of my life.

From last night, while we were costume shopping…

Caolinn: (eye roll) “Awwwwwesome…look at all the slutty choices I have.”

You’re Lucky That Make-Believe Bitch Didn’t Leave You A Check

Waking up the twins this morning…

Me: “Did the Tooth Fairy come?”

Liam: (incredulous look…reaching under his pillow) “Yes…she brought me…a Target gift card?”

Me: “It must be a marketing thing…she’s probably got a corporate sponsorship.”

Liam: (eye roll)

Xavier: (Under his breath) “Or she just got caught without cash again…”

Dear FBI, Dump The Handwriting Research…You Need To Look Into Panties

To be clear…if you’ve been reading this blog AT ALL, you’ll be just as shocked as I am, that I’ve managed to raise a child with common sense bordering on prudishness, but somehow, THAT happened.

Caolinn: “The only good thing about the locker room in gym, is that now I know who I will and will not be hanging out with.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Caolinn: “Oh, you can totally tell who’s going nowhere in life, just by seeing their panties.  You’re wearing a hot pink thong with a hashtag on the crotch?  Pretty sure you’re not making good decisions.  Same for the girls with ‘sexy’ written on the ass.  You’re fourteen…who is that for?  And those stupid Marvel panties that you and I saw in Target and made fun of?  Yeah…I’ve seen them on two different people.  Be your own hero, damn it.”

 

For the record, this is what she’s talking about, where feminism and common sense took a dump in Target’s Junior’s department.