Hello? CPS? Yes, There’s Been a Misunderstanding.

Well played, zoo...well, played.

Well played, zoo…well, played.

Mom: “Where are you meeting your friends?”

Me: “We’re going to Lola’s.”

Mom: “What is that?”

Me: “It’s that tapas bar on 7th.”

Caolinn: (stops texting for the first time in hours…) “What!?  Why would you go there!?  And why would you tell grandma you’re going there in front of me!?  That’s disgusting!”

Me: “Ummm…huh?”

Caolinn: “A topless bar!”

Me: “Tapas, Caol…TAPAS!”

Caolinn: “Oh…is that dirty?”

Me: “Not even a little.”

Chipmunks Are Money Grubbing Whores. (Enjoy THAT In Your Browser History)

Somehow LESS gay than the other Chippendales.

Somehow LESS gay than the other Chippendales.

Because it’s Throwback Thursday, I’m going to recount a conversation that took place, last year, between myself and my, then, nine-year-old. We were discussing his new teacher, who had a strong Texas accent, which apparently reminded him of the twang of a contestant on The Amazing Race.

Liam: “His voice sounded like that Chippendale from Amazing Race.”

Me: “Um…please don’t tell him that.”

Liam: “Why? And what IS a Chippendale anyway?”

Me: (pause…calculating my options, before giving in to the truth) “They are men who dance in their underwear. It’s inappropriate.”

Liam: “Why do they dance in their underwear?”

Me: (hating my life) “For money.”

Liam: “Then why are they named after chipmunks?”

Me: “They’re not…I’ll explain it when I’m not driving.”

Liam: “Maybe it’s because none of them wear pants.”

Everything Is Better With Leather



(After four consecutive episodes of Sons Of Anarchy)

Me: “Huh.”

R: “What?”

Me: “You know this is really just a soap opera set in a biker gang.”

R: *horrified look* “A soap opera!?  What do you base that on?”

Me: “All the slapping.  Seriously.  They’re just some shoulder pads and a push into a pool away from being Dynasty.”

R: “I’ve never watched Dynasty, but I’m guessing that it didn’t have a fat hairy guy going down on two strippers on a biker bar pool table, white supremacists blinding a guy with a pool cue, or a guy named ‘Half-Sack’ constantly showing off his partially empty scrotum.”

Me: “Yeah…Dynasty could have been WAY better.”

(Six episodes later…)

Me: “Okay, I think we’ve officially watched too many episodes, in a row.”

R: “How can you POSSIBLY say that?”

Me: “Because I’m starting to appreciate the way Jax walks, and you know how much it used to annoy me. Seriously, I’m terrified I’m now going to be attracted to swaggering men in dirty leather.”

R: *switching channels* “Annnnnnd, Big Bang Theory it is…”