Next Stop…Red Bull In Your Lunchbox, Kids!


Caolinn: “Mom, I can’t believe you let Xavier have coffee, and now you’re going to leave them alone in the house.”

Xavier: “Scientists have proven that caffeine doesn’t make you hyper.”

Caolinn: “That is not true!”

Xavier: “This is why you’re not a scientist!”

Cakes Shaped Like Genitalia Lack The Subtlety Our Family Craves


(In the midst of discovering the wonder that is a Starbucks chocolate cakepop.)

Me: “Oh, my, God, why is this so good!?”

Caolinn: (shrugs)

Me: “I’ve got it…it’s like the world’s most delicious Ding Dong in my mouth.”

Caolinn: *SNORT*

Me: “Shut up.”


**For my non-American friends…a “Ding Dong” is both a chocolate cupcake-like thing that will no doubt kill you slowly, and also one of the 4-million terms that America has invented for ‘penis’. Go USA!**

Unless The Question Is, “What Sucks?”, Then Cash Is Always The Answer.




(A text conversation, in which I HOPE autocorrect is to blame.)

Pam: If your students do a presentation for the parents, and the parents get you a thank you…what’s your preference? $10 bouquet flowers or $10 Starbucks card?

Me: Gift card…always the gift card.

Pam: My friend said, ‘flowers are classy’. And I’m thinking fuck classy, three kids in this class ate dicks. The teachers need coffee damn it, not flowers.

Me: Um…what?

Pam: “Are” NOT “ate”!!!

Me: If three kids ate dicks…you’re gonna have to spend more than $10, and might I suggest instead of Starbucks, you put the cash toward some attorney’s fees.

Madam, You Are Too Stupid To Use Caffeine…Or Your Ovaries


(The man can’t even go get coffee…)

Drew: OMG…some girl at Starbucks just asked if the Sumatra coffee was named after Frank Sinatra.


Drew: I can’t make shit up this good.  The entire line went silent.

Me: Wait…YOU went silent?  That’s gotta be a first.

Drew: Well, I was half-way through writing her a prescription for a hysterectomy before I stopped myself and realized I’d get sued.

Me: Yup, there’s our Drew…I knew he was in there somewhere.

Even Disney Invested In Rohypnol.

Any reason that doesn't include poisoning his breakfast is unacceptable.

Any reason that doesn’t include poisoning his breakfast is unacceptable.

(whispering during vintage Disney cartoon prior to Frozen)

Me: “Is it just me, or are old-timey cartoons sort of date-rapey?”

Casey: “Maybe he’s carrying her off to a Starbucks to ask about her hopes and dreams.”

Me: (incredulous look)

Casey: *sigh* “I tried.”