Probably Not The First Time Someone Sat On Han’s Face

Yes, yes, I know…two posts in a row about fucking novelty bedding. It also should be noted that my sweet, brilliant, rational boyfriend goes completely ape-shit nerd when discussing some sort of controversy regarding whether Han Solo or Greedo shot first in the original movies. It has come up roughly three million times.

Me: Liam is spending his first night in his new Star Wars sheets.

Ryan: Do they make those for a queen-sized bed?  I’m asking for a friend.

Me: Yes, but would you really be comfortable getting off in front of Han?

Ryan: It’ll be the first time he didn’t shoot first.

Me: Fine, but if you start making ‘pew pew’ noises during climax, I’m going to be super put off.

Ryan: ..

Me: You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?

Ryan: Maaaaaaybe?

Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo

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Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”

Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”

Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay.  It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”

Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”

Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”

Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”

Kettle…You’re Sirius Black

Xavier: “Is there a Harry Potter Day?”

Me: “I don’t think so, but if they do make one, it should be on July 31st for Harry’s birthday or on September 1st for the Hogwarts start of term.”

Liam: “NERD!”

Me: “He said…wearing his 7th Star Wars shirt this week.”

Liam: (death glare)

And My Butler Will Only Have Four Fingers On Each Hand!

Me: I’m winning the Powerball on Wednesday.

Ryan: Best to start planning now.  I suggest permanent Disneyland passes with one of those tour guides that gets you to the front of the line.

Me: And one of those awesome suites as well.

Ryan: Can we just buy an apartment IN the park?  Maybe hidden somewhere in the new Star Wars Land?

Me: Only if the kitchen can be modeled after the Millennium Falcon.  Only cleaner.

Ryan: Much cleaner.  Don’t know what Han and Lando have done on that ship.

Me: Or Chewie!  His palms didn’t get that hairy for nothing.

Ryan: ……..

Star Wars 7…The Search For More Money

Me: Look!  Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!

Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing?  What are they going to merchandise next?

Me: Chewbacca Condoms?  Don’t mind if I do!

Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms.  The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.

Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know.  They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.

Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.

Me: ……….

Baby, Imma Cast A Reducto Spell…On Your Pants.

“I wanted you to feel like a wizard every time you watched TV.” Seriously, the best birthday present ever.

(A Text conversation from last night.)

Ryan: Have you gotten your wand to work, yet?

Me: Not as well as I worked your wand last night.

Ryan: Hey-oh!  No, seriously, have you gotten it to work, yet?

Me: I’m trying to program it, now.

(5 minutes later)

Me: Sweetie, I might need you to do it for me, I can’t get it to work.

Ryan: Is it broken?

Me: No, I’m just not as tech savvy as you are. I’m reading the directions, and it’s just not working for me. Still trying…

(3 minutes later)

Me: 😦

Ryan: What’s wrong?

Me: I’m such a fucking Hufflepuff.

Ryan: There, there…at least you’re not a Nerf Herder.

Me: I don’t even know what that means.

Ryan: No one does, darling…no one does.

 

My Boyfriend Is Sexually Attracted To Cinnabon Hair

This all started because I texted this picture to Ryan, this morning.

Ryan: Ouch, she’s perfectly thin, but if he really wants to complain, she’s actually kind of old to be a Disney princess.

Me: Seriously.  What was she?  23?  Go retire, already, grandma.

Ryan: She was actually 19 when that scene was filmed.  Star Wars nerd, here.

Me: I feel like I should be giving you a wedgie, for knowing that.

Ryan: I once got into a fight with someone over who knew more Star Wars trivia.  We had a contest.

Me: Annnnnd?

Ryan: You have to ask?  Do I look like some scruffy nerf herder?

Me: Ummm…that answer really just leads to bigger questions.

George Lucas…Trying To Undo All The Boners He Created With Leia’s Gold Bikini

(Yet another late night text conversation with Ryan that goes awry.)

Ryan: Morgan just informed me that she’s never having children, because Star Wars 3 freaked her out.

Me: She should be more freaked out about how awful that movie was, but maybe, as a father, that’s an enviable position for you to be in.  “That’s right, Morgan…SEX KILLS.”

Ryan: It’ll be like when C. Everett Koop said it, and ruined the sex lives of all American teenagers throughout the 80’s.  Never trust a man with a beard, but no mustache.  It’s unnatural.

Me: Yes, the 80’s…where we all kept it in our pants for fear of death and I owned two pairs of jelly shoes.

Ryan: Nice. Parachute cargo pants. I owned three pairs in different colors.

Me: OMG.  I’m dating you.

Ryan: Oh, but I looked goooooooooooood.

Me: I think we just found the real reason you couldn’t lose your virginity in the 80’s.

 

 

Every Day I Don’t Find Jim Henson’s Hand Up His Ass, I’m A Little Surprised

Seriously…you see it, too, right?

 

Me: “My dog looks like a Muppet.”

Ryan: “Like Sesame Street?”

Me: “No, more like he looks like that thing that lives on Jabba the Hutt’s ass.”

Ryan: “Salacious Crumb?”

Me: “Huh?”

Ryan: “The thing that lives on Jabba’s ass…his name is Salcious Crumb.”

Me: “You just made that up.”

Ryan: “I did not.”

*silence*

Ryan: “What!?”

Me: “I have to sleep with you.”

 

The Second Worst Sibling Interaction Revolving Around Star Wars

Caolinn: “So my friend Ana is dating a Junior, and he seems really, really nice, but I don’t think it’s going to last.”

Me: “Why?”

Caolinn: “He kind of demands all of her attention when they’re together, and it’s getting on her nerves.  He’s just really clingy.”

Xavier: “Clingy?  You mean like Yoda on Luke’s back when they were training.”

Caolinn: (look of utter disbelief) “Well, I guess we know why YOU’RE never going to have a girlfriend.”