For well over 30 years (aaaaaack), I have successfully managed to avoid being dragged to any sort of Renaissance Festival. Somehow, I’ve completely eschewed any attempts, at the hands of various friends, to drag me to one of these things, despite their constant refrains of, “Oh, no, it’s fun, you’ll love it; they have turkey legs!”.
It was with a great deal of trepidation, that I finally agreed to attend one in St. Louis. Why St. Louis? Because, when I think about having a wild, booze-filled weekend with my college girlfriends…the first place that I think of going is Missouri. Woo…hoo?
Now, having done SOME study into the politics, history, and art of the period…I have some observations for the organizers of Le Faire…
1. The cast members really need to sit down together and decide what accent they’re all trying to fake. Really. I heard at least five different, poorly executed accents. I’m 90% certain that the entire cast took diction lessons from Keanu Reaves. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzNh1fyn19o
2. It doesn’t matter how chubby you are…it matters how much of that you can stuff into a corset. The goal is, apparently, to have juuuuust enough spilling out the top to lure in a guy with fake leprosy lesions. Actually, aside from the lesions, I think I can get behind this one. Hey, anything that scores you a free drink and a hot pretzel…am I right, ladies?
3. If it’s noon, and you’ve stopped by The Syphilitic Dragon Pub for chardonnay fourteen times in the last two hours…maybe it’s not a good idea to take a free belly dancing class with small children present. Additionally, if you do, those children are going to be asking their parents what “this” (picture the international hand gesture for cunnilingus) means. In addition to horrifying the parents, this behavior will also attract the attention of the scariest pair of swingers in attendance, who will then follow you throughout the festival. (To be clear…this wasn’t me. I was, however, filming it, and I expect five thousand dollars in small, unmarked bills, or the footage goes viral.)
-While drinking and driving are still SUPER illegal in Missouri, being drunk off your ass and throwing a sharpened axe at a tree stump is totally allowed, and will only cost you $5 for 10 throws. Bitches, that’s a friggin’ bargain, right there.
-In addition to lords, ladies, and members of the realm, there were also a lot of elves and woodland nymphs roaming the woods. A lot of these creatures, apparently, had horns and liked to throw glitter at people. Yup…historically accurate to the last detail.
-Furthermore…pirates…really? We’re throwing pirates into the mix? Let’s call this shit what it really is… everything not QUITE covered in the local ComicCon, coming together in a park…oops…I’m wrong…there’s a guy dressed like Superman. He must have done that Earth spinning thing and turned back time again, so he could grab a cod piece and a cup of mead.
-A sure-fire way to bring a screaming halt to any conversation (or car…it will also bring a screaming halt to a moving car) is to randomly (and somewhat drunkenly), start off with, “You lick ONE pussy in Chicago, and you never hear the fucking end of it.” Wai…what!? Go back to that. Details…we’re going to need serious details. Now. And then, we are NEVER going to let you forget it. EVER.
-The last thing I learned, was something that I already knew…that it doesn’t matter where you are, it matters who you are with, and when you are with the two most beautiful, witty, kick-ass girls on Earth, anything is a good time…especially when you have low morals, credit cards, and a camera with plenty of data space.