It Be Pirates!!!

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So, to make a very long story short… Some criminal asshole made a duplicate of my credit card, which they then used at a retail store, that shall remain nameless, where a sales associate allowed them to use my card SEVENTEEN times in a row for amounts between 40 and $50, resulting in over $700 in charges. Needless to say, this was both infuriating, and a giant waste of my time to get fixed.

Tracy: “What’s going on with your credit card situation.”

Me: “I’m still working on getting my new card and getting all the charges removed. I filed a police report yesterday.”

Tracy: “Has the store offered to send you anything as a way of restitution since they fucked up?”

Me: “I want more than a gift basket for this bullshit, I want somebody HUNG.”

Tracy: “Honey, we all want someone hung, but I’m pretty sure in lieu of a big dick, you’re just going to settle for a gift basket.”

You Have Your Place Of Worship, And I Have Mine…And Mine Has Churros

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It should come as no surprise that Ryan and I are lapsed Catholics.  I’m 90% sure if we stepped across the threshold of a church, that flames would erupt.

Ryan: You going to church?

Me: Why would I go to church?  In the middle of the week?

Ryan: It’s Ash Wednesday.

Me: Ohhhhhhh…that.  No, I don’t want schmutz on my head.  I’m going to Costco, though.  Need anything?

Ryan: Costco instead of church.  What would Jesus say?

Me: He’d say ‘Don’t buy the giant thing of chicken salad, again, you’ll never finish it.’.

Ryan: What would your grandmother say?

Me: She’d say I was going to hell…and to ignore Jesus and get the chicken salad, so she can score half of it.

 

Star Wars 7…The Search For More Money

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Me: Look!  Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!

Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing?  What are they going to merchandise next?

Me: Chewbacca Condoms?  Don’t mind if I do!

Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms.  The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.

Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know.  They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.

Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.

Me: ……….

It Should Come As A Shock To No One That I Have A Fucking Mental Problem.

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Okay, so I *might* have a well documented school-supply hoarding situation.  Bottom line: if it’s on deep discount, I’ll buy it, and at any given moment, I am completely capable of opening my own OfficeMax.  My coworker used to just find my stash impressive, but now when I text her my victories, she just finds it concerning.

Me: Target clearance!  I just scored 77 spiral notebooks for $8!!!

Michelle: Okay, that’s awesome, but how many can you possibly use?

Me: I use them!

Michelle: You used maybe 20 last year.

Me: See!  I’m covered for almost 4 years!

Michelle: And the 200 you already have in the closet?

Me: Shhhhhh….let me have this.

It’s Almost 2015, Why Don’t We Have Hover-Cars, Already!?

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Me: “Okay, but I want to wait until 8 to go, because right now EVERYONE will be shopping after work, and the parking will be ridiculous.”

Caolinn: “How bad can the parking be at Pier One.  It’s not like THAT many people go Christmas shopping there.”

Me: “Yeah, but that plaza also has a Best Buy, a Michaels, a Target, and a Mervyns, so the parking is insane.”

Caolinn: “What’s a Mervyns?”

Xavier: “I’m pretty sure it’s shop for wizards.”

Me: (sigh)

Shhhhh, Mommy’s Other Personality Is Talking

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Me: “Hey!  Settle down back there and leave your brother alone! Santa is watching!”

Xavier: “Pffffft.  Mom, that’s not going to work, anymore.”

Me: “Why not?”

Xavier: “You know why!”

Me: “Xav…Santa is WATCHING.”

Xavier: “But you’re Santa.”

Me: “Think about it.”

Xavier: “Ohhhhhh….”

Liam: “Therrrre we go.”

Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Folly

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I went conservative.  Or my version of conservative...

I went conservative. Or my version of conservative…

While shopping at Target for an ornament exchange I was attending, for an organization I’m involved with, that supports and connects LGBTQ community members with peers and some straight allies.

Caolinn: “What do you want to get?”

Me: “It has to be a un-traditional and fun, bordering on campy.  Those are the ones that everyone fights over.”

Caolinn: “How about this one?  It’s masculine, but also sort of sexy.”  (Holds up Superman ornament complete with abs.)

Me: “Lesbians outnumber the men 10:1 at this thing, I have to find something for my ladies who like ladies.  Wait…do they have Wonder Woman?”

Caolinn: “Nope, but they have this…”  (smirking)

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Me: “Too far.”

 

(Ironically, someone else brought it, and it was a huge hit.  *sigh*)

This Is Why People Cover Their Couches With Plastic

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Ryan: “Hows the new couch?”

Me: “Amazing!  I love it…it’s sexy as hell.”

Ryan: “Send me a picture.”

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Ryan: “Okay, it’s a great couch, but I think sexy might be overstating it a bit.”

Me: “You’re just not looking at it the right way.”

Ryan: “How am I supposed to look at it?”

Me: “Here…look at it this way.”

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Ryan: “Annnnd you win.  I stand corrected, sexiest couch ever.”

Me: “Told you.”

 

**Note: I swear my boobs aren’t lopsided…I just can’t draw for crap…even if it’s to give my tits some dignity.**

Calcite…It’s A Girl’s Best Friend.

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I bet this would buy a shitload of ponies.

I bet this would buy a shitload of ponies.

While handing out mineral samples to my 3rd graders for our earth unit…

Student 1: “Oh, My, God!  Are these diamonds!?”

Me: “Um, no…we don’t have the budget for that, and diamonds aren’t this big.”

Student 2: “Yeah, and if they WERE diamonds, Miss McMcerson would probably already be in her car.”

Me: “Would you miss me?”

Student 2: “Nah…you’d come back…and you’d probably have that pony you never shut up about.”

Me and My 2,000 Newest Flesh-Eating Friends

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Tracy: “Hey, do you want to meet up for an early dinner?”

Me: “I can’t…I have a situation.”

Tracy: “Oh, this should be fascinating.  What now?”

Me: “Two of my fourteen kids popped positive for lice this week, and one of them always hugs me when I’m at my desk, and rests his head on mine.  My OCD just went from dormant to full Adrian Monk.  I refuse to let them check me, but I swear I can feel them fucking all over my scalp.  The ones behind my left ear are into some really kinky shit.”

Tracy: “Napalm or shaving your head?”

Me: “Olive oil.”

Tracy: “How does THAT work?”

Me: “I saturated my hair and then wrapped my whole head in plastic wrap and a shower cap.  I smell like Mario Bartoli’s ballsack.”

Tracy: “Look at the bright side, it could be Guy Fieri’s.”

Me: “I’ll keep the lice, thank you.”