It’s Like Lord Of The Flies…Without All Of The Tropical Scenery



Me: “Hey, we just need to ask everyone what they saw, and then we need to make a decision about how we’re moving forward with this.”

Student: “I didn’t do ANYTHING!”

Me: “I hear you, but you were there, so we have to find out what happened.”

Student: “I’m not the one who tagged the bathroom!  They’re all a bunch of goddamn snitches!”

Me: “Um…just an observation…but if you didn’t do anything…how can they be snitching?”

Student: *death stare*

Apparently, someone from children’s publishing now works at Sharpie…


Dear Sharpie,

First, let me start off by saying that I think you make a great product, and your store displays are appealing and really show the full range of your products.  WOW, if you don’t really have some great options in markers!

Now that I’ve buttered you up…we need to talk.  Your marketing department…the ones who made those awesome displays…they need to be fired (Or at least be punished…maybe take away their casual Fridays?).  Again, I think the IDEA is a strong one, but maybe…just maybe…creating a giant white shape, on each of the four sides of your display, so that people could try out your markers, wasn’t such a great idea.  Are you seriously giving the general public a permanent marker and a space on which to use it?  Who did you think was going to take advantage of this opportunity?  Phi Beta Kappas and Baptist Ministers?

Now that having been said…I was shocked at how tame and “public friendly” most of the writing was!  I almost got a warm spot in my heart for the good of mankind!  In fact, it wasn’t until I got to the third side that I saw anything remotely controversial, and it was this:


Not bad, right?  Okay, bad from the perspective of the aforementioned Baptist minister, but not remotely as awful as it could have been.

As I rounded the fourth and last side of the display…that’s when I found it.

To my GREAT surprise…the transgression in question wasn’t the graffiti itself, but the shape that YOUR marketing people chose for the writing area.


Now, look, Sharpie…you’re savvier than this.  You can tell me all you want that this is a megaphone coming OUT of that gentleman’s mouth, but I think we both know that it’s not heading OUT, and it’s certainly no megaphone.  Didn’t you notice the entire marketing department giggling all through the development and design?  Come on!  There is no WAY that they kept a straight face when they were pitching this one.  I do, however, give them credit for choosing an uncircumcised penis, for some international flair.

In closing, I think that if you’re concerned that your store displays will lack dicks…don’t be…someone will surely come along and draw one on your display somewhere, to help you out.

Thank you for listening.


PS…If you look closely, you’ll see a red dick drawn on your display dick.  You’re welcome.