So, Maybe Showing Them Jaws, Two Days After Announcing The Family Cruise, Was A Bad Idea

For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago…  Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.

At my parent’s house for family dinner…

 

Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”

Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”

Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939.  What do you have to say about that?”

Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”

Smart Idea: Try And Lure Journalist Boyfriend Out Of The Country WITHOUT Pulling Out A Boob

Me: We’re in Nassau.  I just snagged beach access at one of the hotels. Which is a bigger asshole American move: Starbucks or a Piña Colada in a coconut shell?

Ryan: Piña Colada. Very ’50’s Mad Men kind of thing. Everyone does Starbucks.

Me: Good call. I’m moving here. Please come.

Ryan: Sure, there are newspapers there. I can add ‘Mon’ to a lot of my stories.

Me: Headline: Water Too Clear

Ryan: Sharks protest clear water, say interferes with theme song terror.

Me: No one gives a shit when they see us, Turtles cry.

Ryan: Turtles demand theme song to give swimmers night terrors.

Me: Turtle King demands unionization.

Ryan: Koch brother’s destroy unionization of turtles, and then take away their healthcare and access to education.

Me: Fuck, that’s scary.  I need another drink.

Ryan: Drunk Americans…Are They Ruining Nassau?

Only In Phoenix, Do You Go To The Bahamas For Cooler Weather.

(Yes, I’m home, but now I have to finally sit down and write all the shit that happened, so…let’s just pretend that I’m still in the Bahamas, okay?  Who’s with me!?)

A Facebook IM conversation…because I had no cell service AND I LIVED.

Me: I just saw a shark from my balcony!

Ryan: Sweet! Hopefully it was humming its theme song. Even if just to itself. Dun dun. Dun dun.

Me: HA! Add smallish (12-24″) sea turtle. I *may* have accidentally yelled, “TURTLE!” thereby disrupting the entire formal dining room, when I spotted it through the window. In my defense…it was a fucking turtle…in the ocean…just swimming like it belonged there.

Ryan: It’s much more fun to just randomly yell turtle, like on the light rail, or something.

Me: Please don’t give me ideas.

Ryan: But that’s why I’m here, to give you ideas. (And get you thrown off the light rail.)

Me: Awesome…just what I need.