YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!
Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”
Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”
My son’s science teacher did a back-to-school assignment with some “Getting To Know You” questions. This is what Xavier put…because of course he did. *sigh*
Before you read this and wonder why I’m doing reading drills with high schoolers, my students all have some intellectual or learning needs, and I teach a reading group for kids with pretty significant issues with written language.
Me: “Okay, break this word down for me. First me, then together. Sh-e-ll”
Everyone: “Sh-e-ll Shhhelll. Shell.”
Me: “Break it down. First me, then together. Ch-i-ll.”
Ramon: “Chill! Like Netflix and chill! That’s how babies get made, Miss M, and this ain’t science.”
Caolinn: “Mom, I can’t believe you let Xavier have coffee, and now you’re going to leave them alone in the house.”
Xavier: “Scientists have proven that caffeine doesn’t make you hyper.”
Caolinn: “That is not true!”
Xavier: “This is why you’re not a scientist!”
For those of you who are newer, I am the lucky recipient of the world’s most amazing student, D’Avonte, who is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag-queen, who basically sasses me all day, but does it so charmingly, that I love her more for it. That and she looks better than I do in short shorts, so I defer to her greatness. Additionally, I’ve taken on a new Sophomore, Ramon, who is this swaggering, sexist gangster, perpetually getting busted for drug offenses. Strangely, the two of them have become friends, which my teaching partner attributes to the fact that D’Avonte could kick Ramon’s ass, even in a wig and heels.
Anyhoooo…we were watching part of the Planet Earth series to supplement a lesson we were doing on the rainforest.
D’Avonte: “Oooooo, that’s pretty…look at all those flowers.”
Ramon: “You could get all lost up in there. That would be a GOOD place to bury a body.”
D’Avonte: (turning around) “The fuck is wrong with you!?”
Caolinn: “My chemistry teacher loves me, and I don’t know why.”
Me: “Why do you think she loves you?”
Caolinn: “Because she sat me in the front row and she always asks me questions.”
Me: (incredulous look)
Caolinn: “What?”
Me: “I love that you think that means she loves you.”
(While giving an oral report on giraffes in preparation for our upcoming zoo trip.)
Student: “One interesting fact about giraffes is that they can fall in love…and they can be destroyed.”
Me: “Ummmmm.”
***Guys something weird happened with this post today, when I scheduled it to hit later in the day, and it didn’t allow comments, etc, so I’m re-posting. Not that you WANTED to comment, but fuck if I know.***
Me: “Okay, what did we learn the three states of matter are?”
Class: “Solids, Liquids, and Gasses!”
Me: “Awesome! Now, which state is generally the coldest?”
Student: “Alaska!”
Me: *facepalm*
The assignment was to write a five sentence paragraph summarizing a short article about things that live on (and in) our bodies. This was my favorite response, for obvious reasons.
There are lots of bugs that be livin on our bodies. I can’t believe that they be hidin on yo skin and get in your hers [hairs]! But hey they better leave me alone cuz if they fuck with me, I’m gonna git em. That’s four sentences just like you said Ms. M. I can’t believe you made me read this stupid story about them NASTY BUGS so now I can’t sleep at night.
Me: “So why would a polar bear need black skin?”
D’Avonte: “Because black is beautiful!”
Me: “True, however…anyone else?”
Josh: “Because it absorbs heat?”
Me: “Good one, Josh! Okay, so they have black skin, but they have white fur. It would make sense, to get more heat, to have black fur, so why do you think they have white fur?”
D’Avonte: “Girrrrl. because white fur makes them look fly as hell.”
Me: (sigh) “Anyone else?”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 