You Have Your Place Of Worship, And I Have Mine…And Mine Has Churros

It should come as no surprise that Ryan and I are lapsed Catholics.  I’m 90% sure if we stepped across the threshold of a church, that flames would erupt.

Ryan: You going to church?

Me: Why would I go to church?  In the middle of the week?

Ryan: It’s Ash Wednesday.

Me: Ohhhhhhh…that.  No, I don’t want schmutz on my head.  I’m going to Costco, though.  Need anything?

Ryan: Costco instead of church.  What would Jesus say?

Me: He’d say ‘Don’t buy the giant thing of chicken salad, again, you’ll never finish it.’.

Ryan: What would your grandmother say?

Me: She’d say I was going to hell…and to ignore Jesus and get the chicken salad, so she can score half of it.

 

Welcome To Arizona! Come For The Weather, Stay For The Xenophobia!

Okay, so for those of you who watch ANY news whatsoever, it should come as no shock that my beloved Arizona has gotten a reputation as being…shall we say…flamingly racist.  While I understand why it looks like we’re all a bunch of backwoods hillbilly cretins most of the time, I feel I must defend my state’s honor.

To begin, it is a fact that almost no one over the age of 30 is actually FROM Arizona, and we are almost entirely populated by transplants from colder states, who came here for the weather, and promptly started complaining because our golf courses were too close to Mexico.  You know how everyone has that ONE embarrassing racist uncle, who screams about immigrants and thinks that Obama was born in Kenya?  Well, that guy got sick of Wisconsin winters or shoveling snow in Michigan, and moved his ass to Phoenix.  So the problem isn’t actually Arizonans, per se…it’s that we have a HUGE population of older, conservative transplants, who unfortunately vote religiously, and who are magnetically attracted to the candidate wearing the fanciest tinfoil hat.

Now, recently, we’ve gotten some attention, AGAIN, for yet another idiot who has taken to leading armed (and I’m talking automatic weapons, here) protests against Muslims at local mosques while wearing (and selling, because we can’t miss a sales opportunity) t-shirts that say things that I won’t repeat, but involve expletives that aren’t, shall we say, neighborly.  Once again, we get bad press, but what the national news doesn’t mention, is that he JUST moved here from California, so once again we get credit for a village idiot who wandered off from another state.  I do not want to give this asshole any MORE attention by mentioning his name, but Ryan and I call him, ‘The Ritz’.

Shockingly, as it turns out, pissing off one of Earth’s largest religions has consequences.  First it means that you will get thoroughly spanked, on national TV, by both Anderson Cooper and Philip Mudd, a former senior official with the FBI and CIA. Secondly, it means your family will have to go into hiding until things cool down.

Well, as it turns out, this idiot lives down the street from Ryan’s sister, Susan, so her entire block was curiously populated with a lot of unmarked paneled vans and dark windowed American sedans.  Because we’re naturally fascinated by this insanity, we have Susan sending us daily updates.

**And, yes, this conversation took place BEFORE Donald Trump’s asinine remarks about McCain.

 

Ryan: She just texted. The Ritz’ wife came back!  SHE ACTUALLY CAME BACK!

Me: There is no way she did that of her own volition. He must be blackmailing her.  She must have killed a drifter or a United States Senator, or something.

Ryan: Has anyone actually seen John McCain lately?

Me: Real McCain?  Or amazingly lifelike, animatronic McCain?

Ryan: I’m pretty sure The Ritz is keeping that McCain in his garage.

Me: What’s he doing with it!?

Ryan: Well, you know how lonely he must have been when he was in hiding with his wife gone…robot McCain was his only comfort.

Me: I wonder what robot McCain’s O-Face looks like.

Ryan: …

Me: What?

Ryan: That’s the sound of me becoming impotent.

Sex and the Single Heathen

 

Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.

Ryan: How do I not know about this show?  Ohhhh right, I have kids.

Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.

Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR.  The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.

Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.

Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.

Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.

Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.

Me:  Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?

Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,

Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus.  If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?

Ryan:  I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.

(3 minutes later…)

Ryan: Megan?  MEGAN!?  Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!?  Or is it smote?

Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.

Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.