And My Butler Will Only Have Four Fingers On Each Hand!

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Me: I’m winning the Powerball on Wednesday.

Ryan: Best to start planning now.  I suggest permanent Disneyland passes with one of those tour guides that gets you to the front of the line.

Me: And one of those awesome suites as well.

Ryan: Can we just buy an apartment IN the park?  Maybe hidden somewhere in the new Star Wars Land?

Me: Only if the kitchen can be modeled after the Millennium Falcon.  Only cleaner.

Ryan: Much cleaner.  Don’t know what Han and Lando have done on that ship.

Me: Or Chewie!  His palms didn’t get that hairy for nothing.

Ryan: ……..

I Think It’s Safe To Say I Won’t Be Vicariously Attending Prom

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(A series of texts during the Spring Formal I was chaperoning last night.)

Ryan: Did you bring your ruler, so you can measure if there’s room for the Holy Spirit?

Me: If I sent you pictures of the way these girls were dressed, you’d send Morgan to a convent before she hits puberty.  I need a yard stick.

Ryan: What is your exact job at this thing, if they’re letting them in half-naked?

Me: It seems to be me walking around, using a flashlight as a method of birth control.

(Thirty minutes later.)

 

Me: Goddammit! I was right in the middle of the throng, and a fucking Beyonce song came on…

Ryan: That’s going to be the weirdest Worker’s Comp claim in the history of man.

Me: So…much…flailing…

(An hour later…)

Me: We should have made a High School Dance Bingo card for this thing.

Ryan: Has their been an awkward dance battle, yet?

Me: Check. And now two guys have their ties tied around their head.

Ryan: That’s a corner piece. You’re one girl crying in the corner, from a Bingo.

(five minutes later)

Me; BINGO!!!

Ryan: Congrats. The prize is that you have to call her mother.

Me: Fuck!

Happy VD, Everyone!

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Caolinn now has a boyfriend.  The parents wanted to meet me, and I, of course, have been wanting to meet him and them, so we were scheduled to go over there, this morning.  Truly, the kid couldn’t be a nicer kid, and his parents seem terribly sweet, so, we got lucky on this one.

Ryan: So, how did the whole meet and greet go?

Me: As we were driving over, I said, “Well….time to meet the in-laws.”

Ryan: Was she horrified?

Me: No, she smiled…so now, I’m horrified.

Now, I Can’t Unsee It.

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Ryan: “Has Matthew ever been with a woman?”

Me: “No, he’s what we refer to as a ‘Gold-star Gay’.  He’s only been with dudes.”

Ryan: “Never tried it out, huh?”

Me: “He refers to the vagina as ‘The Eye of Sauron’.  Vaginas never had a chance.”

In Case You Thought Enemas Were The Most Embarrassing Purchase

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Me: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.

Ryan: Yes?

Me: (Sending picture.)

IMG_1015Ryan: What…the…fuck…

Me: Right!? This is a thing now?

Ryan: What aisle are you in, and why?  Do you have something to tell me?

Me: I’m buying tampons, and these were right there.  You know…for people who are blaming faulty sperm for why they still have to buy tampons.  Can we discuss the name “Pre-Seed”!?

Ryan: Can we discuss that for just $44.99 and a handjob I can get 2,000 CVS points!?

Me: Halvsies?

Ryan: Done!

Next Stop…Red Bull In Your Lunchbox, Kids!

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Caolinn: “Mom, I can’t believe you let Xavier have coffee, and now you’re going to leave them alone in the house.”

Xavier: “Scientists have proven that caffeine doesn’t make you hyper.”

Caolinn: “That is not true!”

Xavier: “This is why you’re not a scientist!”

Ssssssssssssso Stupid

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It seems my son has picked up my love of statistics.

Xavier: “Did you know that in 78% of rattlesnake bites, the victims are men?”

Me: “What does that tell you?”

Xavier: “That men are STUUUUUUUPID.”

Me: “Why do you say that?”

Xavier: “Because women don’t poke things with sticks.”

Now, I Want A Cupcake. Okay, I Wanted One Before Then, Too.

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Me: Urban Cookie has the new fall flavors out! You need to try the caramel apple, it’s AMAZING.

Ryan: Everything they make is amazing. They kick Sprinkles’ ass.

Me: Sprinkles is a stupid name, anyway. It’s a name for the world’s shittiest pony.

Ryan: I think my daughter had that My Little Pony.

Me: Was its Cutie Mark a dick?

Ryan: If it was, I’d buy twelve of them.

Me: As long as I get one of them.

Ryan: Fine. Thirteen.