That’s One Way To Keep A Girl Up All Night


Me: What about Stephen King?

Ryan: I haven’t read much from him since It.  I was like, that’s it.  That’s as good as it’s ever going to get.

Me: I didn’t read that one.

Ryan: A clown. That’s all I’m saying. Makes Poltergeist look like a kid’s movie.

Me: No…no…definitely not.  I was scared of them before, so that would NOT help.

Ryan: No. Definitely not. Clown-centered. Evil clown. Very bad clown.

Me: I’m pretty sure that ^^^ was the movie’s tagline.

Ryan:  And the movie…imagine Tim Curry in clown makeup, chasing kids.

Me: I’m not going to sleep tonight, and I blame you.

Ryan: You? I’m already double-checking my closets. At least you have Sully who will bark at the clown.  What do I have?  Cats. Cats are useless. The only thing they’re good for is eating my corpse after the clown gets me.

Me: Great. Now, I’m scared of cats.

What Doesn’t Kill You…Makes You Snarkier.


My daughter has recently expressed an interest in horror movies, and being that she’s approaching 15 and thus unlikely to wind up sleeping in my bed for six months because of psychological trauma, I let her watch Poltergeist with me, for the first time.

(Two seconds into the movie…)

Caolinn: “Why does that TV look like that?”

Me: “It has a picture tube…TVs used to weigh like a hundred pounds.”

Caolinn: “Why is that phone on the wall?  You can’t move.”

Me: “Welcome to the 80’s, Caol.”

Caolinn: “Why is the TV all fuzzy?”

Me: “Because at night, the stations used to stop programming around midnight.  They’d play the national anthem, and then just stop broadcasting.”

Caolinn: “Seriously…the scariest thing about this movie is how you guys used to live.  PLEASE tell me there is going to be something dead in this movie, aside from the technology.”